Sunday, December 03, 2006

Woman in a yellow skirt


I bought this painting last night. It's called Woman in a Yellow Skirt.

I was the high bidder at a fundraising auction for a queer institution.

I hadn't seen it in the preview, because I was distracted and inattentive, I suppose. It came up during the raucous, alcohol-saturated auctioneering (hosted by the guy who was my first aerobics instructor, 10 years ago - that was weird). And I fell in love with it, and bid. And won.

Why does this matter?

Because it's been four weeks to the day that GF and I decided to end our relationship. It's been four weeks of trying to hold it together, to "be good to each other", so that we could stay together until the summer, loving each other well.

And last night, aside from my buying the painting, GF and I decided that this is the end. Now(ish). I will move out in a month or so, probably into the home of a close friend of mine, A. For six months or so, until I sort out where I'll be next. It hasn't been easy - the last month has been hell. Every Thursday night, I would come home from Uni City and hope it would be alright this time. It never was - I've lived this last month in suspension, floating numbly above my life while I was away, and descending into pain whenever I'd be back in Home City. I guess that's no way to live.

I don't have any furniture of my own anymore, besides a few odds and ends - an old table, some bookcases, a dresser. No bed, no couch, no chairs, no desk. Also, it makes me sad to think of leaving here because I've lived here longer - 3 1/2 years - than I've lived anywhere in my life. I have lived in about 25 places in 32 years. I am tired of moving and tired of having nothing of my own. Everything feels completely ungrounded right now and I guess I was hanging on to this place as the one thing, you know? The one thing I have, even if it's not really mine.

But what I do have is some art. Including this new painting. I guess it will always remind me of the end of this trying. But overall, somehow, it makes me hopeful.

10 comments:

medieval woman said...

Oh gosh, Hilaire. That's such huge news - I'm sorry that you've realized that this situation, but I'm also happy that you've realized it and that you're moving on.

And what an amazing and beautiful painting to grace your new walls...

Tiruncula said...

Oh, I'm sorry about all of this (except the painting!), but I think it's good that you decided to end things sooner rather than later. I was in one of those we're-breaking-up-but-not-yet things once and it was awful, much worse than a clear decision and a clean break would have been. Hugs to you.

MaggieMay said...

Oh gosh, I'm so sorry, Hilaire. And I think that painting is a perfect piece to begin this next --and better-- phase. Thinking of you--

What Now? said...

I'm glad you have a painting to represent hope for the future and that this is now something permanent you own, something that will move with you into this temporary shelter with A and then into your next home.

Blessings to you in this difficult transition.

Margo, darling said...

Dear Hilaire,
I'm so glad you bought that painting. It was the right thing to do, and I think much more than reminding you of the difficulty of this time, it will remind you of the time when, just when you thought you were done being strong and resolute, you were called on to be strong and resolute yet one more time. And you will know that you were strong and that you did it. And I think you'll look back and remember getting through this time, in part, because you allowed yourself the luxury of loving something irrationally, and, by buying it, allowed yourself to love it fully.

You're being amazing. My thoughts are with you.

Hilaire said...

Thanks, all. :)

And, Margo - Yes. I thought of Audre Lorde's essay, "Poetry is not a Luxury".

dbm/gaa said...

Beautiful painting! You deserve that kind of beauty in your life.

You need furniture? I have furniture that I'm trying to give away. A futon sofa bed, a desk, bookshelves, probably some other stuff. Seriously, when you need it come and get it.

Mimi said...

The peinting iz wunderful!
(Just for the sake of doing mistakes !)
Big hugs for courage! I can ship you for free dishes if ever it's needed...

Hilaire said...

Thanks, fellow Canadians! Mireille, you're so sweet - thankfully I'm stocked on dishes and kitchen stuff...

It's the big-ticket items I don't have anymore. So I am very interested in your offer, Grumpy!! Let's talk soon. Thank you very much! (I have been having trouble getting on to your blog - i.e. I can't get on - all I get is a blank white screen...hmmm...disconcerting...)

dbm/gaa said...

My blog went AWOL, I have no idea what happened! It is back now.

Yes, let's talk! Email me and we can exchange numbers and talk when you get back into town.