Sunday, December 03, 2006
Woman in a yellow skirt
I bought this painting last night. It's called Woman in a Yellow Skirt.
I was the high bidder at a fundraising auction for a queer institution.
I hadn't seen it in the preview, because I was distracted and inattentive, I suppose. It came up during the raucous, alcohol-saturated auctioneering (hosted by the guy who was my first aerobics instructor, 10 years ago - that was weird). And I fell in love with it, and bid. And won.
Why does this matter?
Because it's been four weeks to the day that GF and I decided to end our relationship. It's been four weeks of trying to hold it together, to "be good to each other", so that we could stay together until the summer, loving each other well.
And last night, aside from my buying the painting, GF and I decided that this is the end. Now(ish). I will move out in a month or so, probably into the home of a close friend of mine, A. For six months or so, until I sort out where I'll be next. It hasn't been easy - the last month has been hell. Every Thursday night, I would come home from Uni City and hope it would be alright this time. It never was - I've lived this last month in suspension, floating numbly above my life while I was away, and descending into pain whenever I'd be back in Home City. I guess that's no way to live.
I don't have any furniture of my own anymore, besides a few odds and ends - an old table, some bookcases, a dresser. No bed, no couch, no chairs, no desk. Also, it makes me sad to think of leaving here because I've lived here longer - 3 1/2 years - than I've lived anywhere in my life. I have lived in about 25 places in 32 years. I am tired of moving and tired of having nothing of my own. Everything feels completely ungrounded right now and I guess I was hanging on to this place as the one thing, you know? The one thing I have, even if it's not really mine.
But what I do have is some art. Including this new painting. I guess it will always remind me of the end of this trying. But overall, somehow, it makes me hopeful.