So I'm being offered a TT job at the place I interviewed at a couple of weeks ago.
Thing is, I don't really want it.
I cried the whole plane ride home, precisely because the interview had gone so well and I knew an offer was a very real possibility.
It was: The city - oh god. The fact that the university is in upheaval. The fact that I'd have a huge - and potentially exciting, but really just a lot - service role in the midst of a university in upheaval. As a very junior faculty member. The Dean telling me, in our short meeting, that I'd have to come in there with my eyes open. Its huge distance from anyone I know; that means a lot for a person who values connection, and has many connections in my part of the world. All these things combine to make it seem terrifying.
The university that was my favourite of the five I applied to - and the one that I also supposed was the longest shot - has asked me for a writing sample; they wanted me to get it to them asap. By yesterday (which I dutifully and excitedly did, of course). So there is the potential that I will be considered for that position. And last week, after I was back from the interview, I asked my Chair at current Dream Uni - where I am on full-time contract - out for a drink, and we talked about the possibility of securing a two-year contract for me there. I would, I think, be willing to stay for a multi-year contract. Am I crazy? Anyway, it probably doesn't matter if I am, because though Chair would like to keep me, it's unlikely the administration would come up with such a thing.
Anyway. Algh. I should be happy, I know. A TT job! But I only feel apprehensive. The job freaks me out. And the thought of trying to juggle and push at departments and people makes my stomach lurch and turn.
I need a drink. A big one. Now.