The singularly negative post below was the beginning of a plunge into the worst mood I've been in, in a long time. (In fact, I think the mood was seeded last night when I went to see the movie In the Wild, because I wanted to get out of the house and that was the only remotely watchable thing at the nearby theatre. It both pissed me off and produced pathos.) Not sad, or anything - everything is making me mad. Grrr. I have just spent the day cycling in my mind through things that bug me. Even my run didn't make it better...usually when I run, things feel better, but this time it was just a new forum in which to harp on my undirected rage, giving it provisional shape by resurrecting every possible axe I might have to grind with anyone. After I got back from the run and showered, I gave in and decided to ride my bike over to the video store, to declare this an unproductive day of escapism. As I rode over, I had an image of myself scratching someone in the face with my imaginary set of long talons. Well. Charming!
I picked up some episodes of Ugly Betty, and stopped at a corner store on the way home to buy myself a bag of chips and a bag of berry candies. Those were my dinner. Those who know me in real life will know how ridiculously NOT like my usual dinner that is. I watched my two episodes, then started reading a novel on the couch, but fell asleep by 10 after 6pm. I napped for almost two hours. Don't even remember the last time I napped - a year ago? More?
Whatever is going on with me, I sure hope it passes soon. I'm hoping writing about it here might begin to purge it.
Anyway, it's off to bed, even though I've been up for half an hour and it's 8:15pm.
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8 comments:
Oh, Hilaire, I'm sorry you're going through this. You know what though? even in your "worst mood ever" you're still incredibly funny.
I hope it passes soon!
There, there.... (hug) ... s'okay.
People love you, Hilaire. Not just bloggy folk but more importantly, real folk who matter to you. Remember that.
Thanks, you two.
It's interesting that you say people love me, Sq. That sort of gets at what is going on, as far as I can tell...not directly a fear that people don't love me, but that I have become all shriveled-up and unloving. Which will feed into an eventual not-being-loved. Yuck. It really does feel like that is what has happened since I moved here. :(
But, as I learned from the above post, someone loves me better than figs!!
That kind of grumpiness + sleepiness, for me, would be a prelude to getting sick. Either way, hope it does pass soon.
Oh dear, surely you are not seriously considering being unloveable!?! Tosh. You sound isolated and overwhelmed with work, and reaching the end of term is never pleasant, blah, blah...sounds typical for the time of year but you have the added stress of being in an unfamiliar and not totally welcoming place.
Hilaire,
In my terrible grumpy deeply dark mood today where I wanted to kill everyone, I felt better reading your post. Though we are quite a distance from one another geographically, our biorhythms are right in sync. You are certainly not unlovable -- you are allowed to be in a dark mood. And so am I. Sometimes being far away from one's loved one in an inhospitable land just sucks. It does. And sometime going to bed early with hot chocolate is the only thing to do. If the fog doesn't lift in a week, well, we'll check in with one another -- only then will I worry.
EE
H, just for the record, I am also in the Worst Mood Ever today. It's like your post gave me permission to admit this to myself :)
Kermit - That is what I thought it was, too - sickness. But no, it doesn't seem to be. But it is better today than last night, which is good. Still not gone, though, I must say.
GAA - You are right. It's November, I am feeling overworked and tired and isolated, it's true. it's all true. So what can I do to prevent it from happening *next* November, I wonder?
EE - I thought of you, too, I did. I was reading your posts very attentively, yesterday. We should check in, in a week, you're right. And thank you for reminding me that it's alright to be in a foul, foul mood.
Maggie - Oh, I'm sorry! Too bad we can't have a bitchfest over drinks tonight. That would help!
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