Wednesday, May 16, 2007


Maggie asked for some more details on the old sleeping-with-ex-GF front.


I guess, what can you expect when you are staying over at each other's places at least once a week - if not more - talking every day, cuddling when you see each other, and generally acting more placidly loving than you had for a long time before you broke up?

It's happened twice - the first time was about a week ago. After that, I worried that it was a baaaaad idea...that it would just make my angst-ridden leaving to a faraway place that much more upsetting. But she said, probably rightly, "It's going to be be brutal no matter we may as well." Too true - given how close we are now, it'll be very, very yucky. Though she has already booked a trip to come and see me for eight days at the end of August.

So yeah, it happened, and then it happened again. And it was familiar (in a good way) and lovely.
But the interesting thing is, since it happened, we've actually had some conflict. We hadn't, really, at all up until now. (I mean, since the breakup -- there was plenty of conflict before that!)There was a classic, stupid Hilaire-and-ex-GF argument about nothing on the weekend, which I ended with an exasperated acknowledgement that we had started fighting again as soon as we were having sex again. Which cracked us up. (To be fair, I think this argument had a lot to do with a freaking terrible mood I was in on the weekend, for various reasons having to do with my work and my move - about which I might hope to blog soon.)

We had some tension today, too, though. And this was mostly coming from her, though it kind of escalated and I said a colossally ridiculous thing. (We both quickly realized how bad an idea this was, and apologized to each other.) And what this one was about was really her grief at my leaving - she admitted that.

So, I don't know. On one hand, I think it's true that we're in a tight spot no matter what - it's gonna hurt when I leave. But I do note that these kind of more volatile emotions have come up in the wake of sleeping together. Which might seem to suggest that it's not such a good idea. But so hard to know where/how to draw the line, you know?


Ah, and on that note of emotional volatility and confusion, off I go in half an hour to have dinner with my mother! Who often cries when she sees me, because I am, er, not at my best with her! The other night, though, she got angry at me. For not calling her for two weeks. This was a new note - anger instead of tears. So now we're having dinner!! And she wants to "talk"! Good god!! About coming to visit me in my faraway place. And about a large sum of money. And also, presumably, about my terrible behaviour. Fun times all around.

1 comment:

medieval woman said...

Okay, H - you have a lot on your emotional plate here! (Sorry for that cheesy analogy - next I'll tell you not to let the turkeys get you down...). I hope the dinner with your mom goes okay and that's it's not too fraught. But I was just thinking about the situation with ex-GF - do you think that the sex has acted like a kind of release valve for you both to express the real anxiety over the move, parting, etc. that you didn't before? I.e., maybe the arguing is tied to the sex, but not in a "we can't have a physical relationship without arguing" kind of way??