The last few days have been grief-filled. Pretty much devastating things about my relationship. I spent 48 hours crying, emerging from that tearful state only long enough to teach my class last night. I haven’t ever, in my life, felt sadness like this. I can’t get into it right here, right now. I don’t have energy for much besides getting through; certainly not for recounting the history of my four-and-a-half-year-old relationship and how I got to what feels like the real tragedy of the place I’ve arrived at with GF. So I won’t explain – at least not right now.
I thought I would take a long break from blogging. But for some strange reason, I feel accountable to this forum, and as if I should be upfront about the fact that there is something very big, and very bad, taking up most of the space in my brain at a time when all should be excitement and planning for job interviews, etc. This brings up some tough questions about what this blog is for. Perhaps I have taken it on too much; I do tend to do that. I also tend to be unnecessarily honest, if that makes sense. At any rate, I feel responsible, somehow, to all you lovely bloggers. So I figured I’d mention it. Now that I have been able to pull it together enough to write.
What I can ask is this, about all that seems so paradoxical:
- How can it be that it’s when you realize the depth of your love for someone – for each other – that the impossibility of keeping on becomes clear?
- Why does the clarity and purity of intention and feeling that you’ve been searching for – for years – come through only when you realize that this is finite, that you, as a couple, will not last forever?
- How can you love each other and imagine how to let go?