Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Sad

The last few days have been grief-filled. Pretty much devastating things about my relationship. I spent 48 hours crying, emerging from that tearful state only long enough to teach my class last night. I haven’t ever, in my life, felt sadness like this. I can’t get into it right here, right now. I don’t have energy for much besides getting through; certainly not for recounting the history of my four-and-a-half-year-old relationship and how I got to what feels like the real tragedy of the place I’ve arrived at with GF. So I won’t explain – at least not right now.

I thought I would take a long break from blogging. But for some strange reason, I feel accountable to this forum, and as if I should be upfront about the fact that there is something very big, and very bad, taking up most of the space in my brain at a time when all should be excitement and planning for job interviews, etc. This brings up some tough questions about what this blog is for. Perhaps I have taken it on too much; I do tend to do that. I also tend to be unnecessarily honest, if that makes sense. At any rate, I feel responsible, somehow, to all you lovely bloggers. So I figured I’d mention it. Now that I have been able to pull it together enough to write.

What I can ask is this, about all that seems so paradoxical:
- How can it be that it’s when you realize the depth of your love for someone – for each other – that the impossibility of keeping on becomes clear?
- Why does the clarity and purity of intention and feeling that you’ve been searching for – for years – come through only when you realize that this is finite, that you, as a couple, will not last forever?
- How can you love each other and imagine how to let go?

12 comments:

Flavia said...

Oh sweetheart. I'm so sorry. You're in our thoughts.

Tiruncula said...

*hugs* I'm so sorry, too.

Dr. Crazy said...

Oh, I'm so sorry. And don't feel accountable to people out in blogworld - we'll be here whenever you're ready to write. (That's one of the things that I've learned in doing this for a couple of years... that people in blogworld don't really require explanations.) Just be nice to yourself, even though it's hard to be nice to oneself when one is going through something like this. Sending you a big virtual hug....

What Now? said...

Oh crap, Hilaire, I am so sorry. How awful. How devastating and unfair and everything that's bad.

Prayers are with you. And tell us as much or as little as is helpful to you.

grumpyABDadjunct said...

Oh hon, I'm sorry.

medieval woman said...

(((hugs to you!)))

I think that you've expressed the most painful contradictions about relationships - I wish I had an answer because I think that it's true that wonderful realization often happens after the fact or as it's ending. Perhaps, that epiphany is actually preparing us for the next phase? Not the next relationship per se, but the next phase - I don't think that it's coincidental that this is taking place at a time of such transition and excitement in other areas of your life. But I'm sorry that it's happening right at the moment when you want to be joyously looking forward.

We got your back!

Mimi said...

Je suis vraiment désolée.
No accountability, l'écriture devrait seulement te servir à dissiper la solitude et à mettre de l'ordre dans ce qui reste flou.
Calins aussi.

Hilaire said...

Merci a toutes. Thank you, thanks you, every one of you. You are all very lovely, blogfriends.

MW, you are so right about the transitional timing. It is also a transitional time for GF. I guess these are moments when we become most known to ourselves and each other.

MaggieMay said...

Oh, I am sorry Hilaire, sorry that you have that much sadness in your life right now. As everyone has said, we're here whenever you need us to be. Thinking of you...

Texter said...

I know i haven't been commenting much, I am tired over here myself, but I do read you and I'm sorry to hear about this hard transition. I wish you the best.

New Kid on the Hallway said...

Hilaire, I'm so sorry to read this. Sending you best wishes for working this all out, in whatever direction.

muse said...

Oh, Hilaire, how awful. You will get through this. And you're right just to take it one day at a time. Sending virtual cups of comforting tea.