Thursday, November 13, 2008

There was some hope in my life for a while there. I was being awakened. It just got shut down. So that I spent the evening crying in an airport last night – on my way to this fucking conference. Now I’m sitting in a Starbucks warehouse, having been in the same clothes for 29 hours, slept for a fitful two hours or so on one flight, and am not able to get into my hotel room – it’s too early - to have the good fucking bawling cry I need – and a shower, and a lie-down in clean sheets and maybe a preciously hoarded Ativan, which I take only on the most dire of occasions. Instead, I’ve been weeping in public all too many times. Just last night, on the first leg of my journey here, I was reading something for teaching that was speaking to the hope and awakening I was feeling. Which was attached to someone, but also - more - was about finding myself again. Rescuing me from wherever I’ve been these last couple of years. Reading this, I felt excited, as if there were possibility. An hour later, an email told me everything was a grand, cosmic joke. I’m devastated. And I’m here in this place, with nobody around to vent and weep to, and I am just sick to death.

16 comments:

Belle said...

OMG, what happened? I feel terrible that you're bawling without a sympa shoulder to cry on.

Yikes. Can I help?

Sarah Williams said...

I'm so, so sorry. Email if you want to.

Brigindo said...

I'm so sorry. What can we do?

Email or blog to vent and weep...we're here. Sorry you have no one in person to be with you now.

Anonymous said...

I am so terribly sorry. I have been there (I'm close to there now actually) and it is a horrible place to be in. You deserve better.

Psychgrad said...

Conferencing sounds like the last thing you'd want to do right now.
Like everyone else, I'm wondering what is going on.

((Hilaire))

kermitthefrog said...

((hilaire)) I'm so sorry, whatever's going on. Hope by this point you've gotten into that hotel room and napped, or trashed it, or whatever can make you feel a bit better.

medieval woman said...

(((Hilaire)))

PossiblyFutureDrGirl said...

Ditto to everything said above.

And go ahead and cry wherever you want to. You've been hurt. You have a right to cry.

Maggie said...

Oh my god. Email me, please, if you want to vent (I can send you my phone # too if you don't have it already-- I forget.) Seriously: I am one big ear for you if you want it.

I'm so sorry, Hilaire.

Hilaire said...

Thanks, all. I'm feeling better. Getting into the hotel room did help - and going for a walk.

I will just say that it's romantic, or at least of that nature. Lest you think I'm being trivial, know that this is a connection that's been there for 10 years and only now was able to start coming into its own - as best it could given distance. There are a variety of reasons why this romantic connection is precious to me, and a variety of things it awakens. And the way it has been messed with really feels like the death of possibility. And is completely insane and shocking and doesn't have anything to do with neither of us wanting the other anymore. Where there was a real sense, on both our parts, that 'the gods' or 'the universe' were finally shaping our paths together, that's been rent. And it's unexpectedly devastating, because I think connections like that are once in a lifetime.

Sorry to sound hysterical, as if someone had died or something! But like I say, it does feel like the death of something, if not of a person.

Hilaire said...

Also it's so connected to how I was feeling the possibility of transformation in myself. Really having that feel possible, through a connection to another. That is the first part of it. I feel as if I lost my chance at this kind of growth. Given how rare and unique it was to begin with.

heu mihi said...

I'm so sorry, Hilaire.

Maude Lebowski said...

i'm so sorry sweetie. like the others have offered, anytime you need anything, an ear, a vent over e-mail, whatever, i'm here (as are so many of us). just let us know.

glad the hotel and shower and bed helped. take care.

(((((((((hilaire)))))))))

Belle said...

If it feels like a death, treat it - and yourself- as such. Mourn. Weep. Wail. Find solace in friends. Lean on others for a while.

I've felt that pain, that loss. A long time ago (thank god) but the memories? Oh yeah. So treat yourself well, and honor what you're feeling.

Flavia said...

I'm so sorry, Hilaire. And I'm with Belle. Sometimes all you can do is grieve.

During my last loss, a friend told me that the way she got through one of her own was by telling herself that each minute she spent in pain brought her one minute closer to the day when she wouldn't be in pain. And I think there's a lot to that attitude--that it's okay to be in pain, for as long as you are.

Be good to yourself.

New Kid on the Hallway said...

Belatedly, I'm so sorry to hear this. Please take care of yourself - sending you best wishes and warm thoughts.