Tuesday, November 18, 2008

I am back after my conference and my forced detainment in an airport hotel.

Reflecting upon my conference, I think: I am not thrilled about the facet of the profession that is all about who you know, and what they are planning, and whether you'll be in on it, and so on. I mean, I was in some senses inducted into some sort of in-crowd, given a dinner that my co-editor and I had with some folks. But I note so much anxiety in myself about that, and about whether I'll be left behind in certain plans, yada yada. I don't want to care. But I must care. I must cultivate the relationships.

It was lovely to spend a good chunk of time with my co-editor, with whom I get on famously. She was great to have in the background of our hotel room, to chat idly with as I drank minibar vodka in some kind of celebration about our panel/wake about the news that had come as I traveled to the conference.

That news has stayed with me, weighing heavily. Making me dream strange dreams, and experience odd, feverish hallucinations. It has affected me more than I imagined such news could. Though the heaviness was mitigated in some small part over the weekend, with some more correspondence with the person from whom the sadness and drama have sprung. So now, rather than being in the kind of dreadful, shocked, publicly weeping state that I was in, I am in a blunt, cynical, and inert state that doesn't feel much better. I see that my heart is sewn up so tight after this latest blow, I don't know if it will ever open again.

But I have come back with some ideas for writing - expanding my conference paper, which was really quite flawed, into something less flawed and more interesting, and hopefully publishable. I want to try to do this by early January, and feel some excitement about it. Excitement in which I can subsume my heavy, sad self.


Sisyphus said...

Ahhh. I hope things look up. Maybe (she says hopefully) this will be like a period of dormancy, a lying under a blanket of snow, resting, and at some later point everything will open up again. Sometimes we need those periods as well, you know. (although we probably never need tragic and upsetting news like what you seem to have gotten.)

I hope your cat is doing well. And that you can have some quiet and relaxing time to regroup.

Psychgrad said...

I always worry about strong, extreme emotions. Maybe it's a vulnerability issue. Can I handle the consequence of losing that connection? But, life doesn't sound particularly interesting without it.

You will find a connection with someone. It'll probably be on stronger footing if it happens when things are more stable with you. I believe things will be more stable. They were before, they will be again.

medieval woman said...

I'm so glad you're back safe and semi-sound. It sounds like the conference was a success - as much as they can be. I'm still so sorry about that blow - I know you're retreating into your shell right now and I think that's good. It will give you time to heal...

I'm still thinking lots of good thoughts for you, dear!


m(mmm) said...

I'll be sending good thoughts your way as I depart for a dreadful conference today. Since we continue to be flowing through parallel emotional whirlwinds, I'll ask you to think about how entangled the romantic and career anxieties are. I've had several epiphanies over the past couple of weeks, and am finding that transformation is as inevitable as the pain we're feeling and we have to own them or embrace them even when they bring misery--taking the trip is the only way to get anywhere, even if you don;t know where you are going (sorry for the lame cliche, but I think it's true).

(also sorry for missing your posts earlier in the week--I rely to much on the bookmark feed that misses untitled posts). Trust yourself, your body, your feelings, your gifts--you will be better.


What Now? said...

Hilaire, I love Sisyphus's image of a snow-covered dormancy -- a reminder that spring and rebirth will come at some point.