Sunday, April 29, 2007

Hard to figure

It's really hard to figure out what's healthy in relation to ex-GF and I. I have been seeing her an awful lot. Certainly more than anyone else in my life. The week before last, for instance, I saw her four times. And we talk pretty much every day. We are each other's go-to person. And yes, in case you're wondering, the sleepovers have continued (intermittently). Still sexless.

Ex-GF has gotten annoyed with me for being so un-forthcoming about how I feel about this whole thing. In a quite profound role reversal, she has been the one willing to tackle the emotional dimensions of it all. She says she thinks that if I weren't moving far, far away, she would be wanting us to try again. And thinks that it wouldn't be a return to our old, conflict-ridden patterns, but that the separation has changed things.

I just don't know. I just don't. That's why I mostly say very little. All I know is that I care deeply for her, I love her, but I don't know how to figure out anything beyond that. I suspect she might be right that if we got back together we would be in a better place, but I just don't know.

Tonight we went out for dinner when she came to pick up Mr. K. (Our divorce-child dog arrangement is actually working really well for both of us.) I had been teasing her about picking up someone the night before...she hadn't, but I was asking. And so over dinner she said - quite pertinently - "hey, what if I did pick someone up? Would you want me to tell you?" Yes, I said. I'd want her to tell me. We're so close right now that omitting something of that "magnitude" would feel awkward and wrong.

But damn if it didn't make me really, really sad. It kind of triggered something, and I was morose and verging on weepy the rest of the night. I guess this is where I really encounter the danger of this kind of closeness between us. I don't know how we'll react in such a situation. I think I'd find it devastating, frankly. I think she would, too. It's more likely to happen with her than with me - I'm just not inhabiting any kinds of milieus where it could happen for me. And yeah, I imagine it only as this instant and really painful wedge driven between the two of us. Ugh.

For whatever reason, that put me somewhere quite lonely. Now that I am verging on making moving arrangements, etc., for this summer, the fact of my leaving Home Area is becoming real. I feel lonely thinking about it, frankly. And imagining ex-GF here, in this comfort zone, dating, is really sad.


medieval woman said...


I'm emailing you... :)

squadratomagico said...

This sounds really loving and sad and difficult all at the same time, Hilaire. That's a tough kind of feeling; I hope you come to some clarity and serenity about it.