On Saturday night, I went over to ex-GF's for dinner. We were supposed to go to friends' party together, but I couldn't muster up the energy, being strangely hung over from the night before. Instead, I stayed over. We went to bed at 9:30 and had a great sleep - possibly because of the comfort of sleeping beside each other again.
But oh, the weirdness! Sleeping in that bed, in that apartment I lived in for almost four years. Everything so familiar, and yet tinged with novelty or strangeness. Revisiting a routine in the morning - she bringing me tea and the Sunday Styles section in bed.
I turned down her proposal of sex in the morning, which she understood and half-expected. I thought that would just be too confusing - and goodness knows that I'm full enough of emotional shit as it is, right about now.
But I do find that it's lovely to be spending time together. And although I'm somewhat chagrined at the way she keeps suggesting that maybe we made a mistake - after all, although I recognized problems and she was simply echoing concerns I'd had and tried to articulate to her before, it was she who really initiated this breakup at this time - I have to admit that sometimes I wonder if she's right. If I were staying here, I wonder if we'd be trying again.
I also recognize, though, that in at least some ways this lovely dynamic between us exists because we aren't together. Nothing is weighted in the same way. For example, I can take her teasing now, and even tease back - my inability to handle what I felt was mean interaction was a major tension between us. So it feels as if I can just enjoy everything that is wonderful about her, with none of the baggage.
I wonder how long, and how smoothly, that can last, though. For example, I suggested to yesterday morning that she come over to my place next Friday night, since I don't have any plans. What for? So we can keep on having sexless sleepover parties? What kind of relationship is that? I do have to be careful where and how I tread...