Sunday, July 13, 2008

Sunday worries

My mother arrives in a couple of hours. I'm quite worried about this - I tend not to be great with my mother, as I've written before. This time, she's coming to help me. I should be grateful - and I am. I should not feel irritation - but I do. I do because she doesn't drive. And the one thing that is most problematic for me right now, with my mobility limited, is the feeling that I am shut up in the house. I am normally so active. I run, for one thing, most days. And I cycle or walk to get around. When R was here, she rented a car, and that was good because we could drive on little outings, get me out of the house. There is nowhere close enough for me to walk to on crutches. So I fear that my mother and I are going to be cooped up in here together, with me growing irrationally resentful because what I want the most is to be able to get around. I do have one trip to the university planned, for Tuesday - a friend is driving me. I may have to call on others for emergency escapes!


I tried to start writing my book project yesterday. It did not go well. I - always, always self-censoring - felt too overwhelmed by the thought, "I am writing a book." I defeated myself immediately. I ended up with one sentence. I have to work through that.


As I noted yesterday, I am mostly in good spirits, and even able to see the positive in this (I will develop great upper-body strength!). But I do see where I might became very downcast...chiefly about exercise, and about dancing. I was supposed to be going to dance camp in August - a blissed-out week in the woods. This tends to be the most joyful time in my life. It is especially so now that I live somewhere where I can't dance. I won't be able to go to camp this year - and believe me when I say that it was the brightest light of my year, the thing I've been most looking forward to, for months and months. I really feel cheated.


medieval woman said...

Hey Hilaire,

I understand your worries completely - maybe trying to work on the book project right now will be too much? You're head and emotions are already so frazzled. Is there a smaller, more manageable project you could work on? Here's hoping that your visit with your mom goes all right and that you will be dancing again soon - if not in August, then SOON!


What Now? said...

How disappointing about dance camp -- what a bummer! How long will you be on crutches? And what will your mobility and general leg situation be once you're off the crutches?

Good luck with the mom visit.

Susan said...

I never say "I am writing a book". I just say, well, let me try to write up this piece. Which is to say I've written two books, but never writing in order. It takes some of the pressure off, I think.
Good luck, and with your Mom.

Hilaire said...

MW - I'm actually emotionally pretty okay, and sadly I don't think I can chalk up my anxiety about the book to the's just regular ol' me. But I do need to be gentler with myself. I need to work on it, but to cut myself some slack!

What NOw? - NOt sure about how long I'll be on crutches and what the situation will be once I'm off...I wasn't given a lot of answers in the hospital before they discharged me, and was too out of it to ask...One doctor who did rounds thought I'd be on crutches (i.e. unable to put weight on it) for about six weeks, which would take me to the middle of August. I do have an appointment with the ortho surgeon on Wednesday, though, and I'll know better by then.

Susan - Yeah, I'm only writing in pieces, but I'm still very aware of the relationship of the piece to the whole...I'm super-anxious about being able to develop the theoretical framework that will make this cohere, you know? So that it's not just a collection of articles. I have it in broad strokes, but not the nitty-gritty of it. That, I think, will haunt me until I have it down on paper...which is why I'm starting at the place I'm starting - to give myself a coherent framework, to guide me through the rest of the pieces...

adjunct whore said...

i'm so sorry and thinking of you, particularly with the trapped with mother feeling. the trapped feeling in general.


dbm/gaa said...

Oh god, the dance camp, what a bummer. You'll have to find another way to get some of that kind of energy, maybe meditation? Yeah, take up meditation while your mother is there, then you have an excuse to shut yourself in your room several times a day!