Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Sick of...

You know, I've been pretty good about this whole rigamarole of a ruined vacation - no, two ruined vacations, what with having to pull out of dance camp - and hospitalization and broken knee and crutches for the whole summer. And now the cat having an accident. I haven't been crying or depressed or feeling sorry for myself or anything - I've been working away happily enough.

But you know what? Today I'm hurting and I'm worried and I'm frustrated and I'm. just. sick. of it.

I was at the university today for a meeting. I can't really function there - if there's stuff in my mailbox, for instance, I can't really get it and take it back to my office. Today there was a book and a couple of pieces of paper...I "cheated" on my crutches so that I could actually pick them up and ended tripping and landing and hopping on the broken leg - which I'm not supposed to put any weight on. Now it hurts. Fuck. What - I can't bloody get a book out of my mailbox, for god's sake?

And I came home and Diamond is doing worse - she is incredibly lethargic and just not herself. Although she was doing better yesterday, she seems to be doing worse again. I'm taking her in to the vet in a couple of hours. But I am leaving for Home City tomorrow morning - I am dropping her at my friend's for 4 1/2 weeks. When she's not well! And she was supposed to be coming with me to Home City!!!! But I can't manage her on crutches. I want her with me. I'm worried about her. And I also don't want to leave her for that long. My father helpfully asks if she'll turn against me if I leave her for that long. What a horrible thought.

I just want things to be easy for once. I am tired of this already. I'm tired of health problems and crises and things going wrong. And I'm tired in a larger sense, too - of managing a life and a relationship from thousands of miles away - for a year now - with no end in sight. At least another two years if I'm not successful on the job market. I don't want to do my life anymore, not like this.

7 comments:

Belle said...

Well, hopefully by now Diamond is sedated and out of pain so that soft tissue can heal. She wouldn't like traveling when she's hurting any more than you do, so don't worry. She'll be fine. Be sure and leave the vet info with your friend who's watching her.

She's not going to turn against you; she'll hold a grudge, but that's just the cat way. She'll also get over it and love you as soon as she's feeling better and back in your arms. When your arms are free from crutches.

Breathe. Breathe. (((((Hilaire)))))

What Now? said...

Poor Hilaire, you really have been having a crappy time of it lately. I am so, so sorry. I hope that your month back at home is a healing time in all sorts of ways.

Brigindo said...

Of course you're sick of it. You've had way more than your fair share of negativity. You have been (and continue to be) incredibly strong and brave about it all but you can't keep it up all the time.

Your leg will heal and you will find a way out of this entire situation and the crises will end. I'm sorry it is taking so long but I know it will turn around for you.

Don't worry about Diamond. She will recover shortly and will not forget you.

Many hugs and hope you can relax in Home City.

lil'rumpus said...

((((Hilaire))))

dbm/gaa said...

Oh hilaire, you have had a shitty time of it lately and no wonder you are sick of it all! You damned well should be, you have been through a lot and things keep getting lobbed your way, there is no sense of 'enough already' and you weren't even able to have a restful vacation or have the release of dance camp.

Call time when you get to Home City. Take some time OFF, really off, and don't try and do to much and ask for help. Should you really be working in the library and transiting on crutches? Would you like to car pool with us to the library in the morning (we usually all go together, but we come home on transit)? Take cabs, baby yourself a bit, and ask people for help, more often than not people are very cooperative when asked.

Get in touch when you get here and we can commiserate together, if nothing else!

heu mihi said...

As the others have said--it's no wonder you're worn out and fed up. You've been doing so well with all of this stuff, and you're perfectly entitled to some pissed-offed-ness about it. I'm so sorry about all of this. Sooner or later, though, it'll pass--you'll get better and I know that you'll find a way out of your rotten situation. Not that that helps while you're in it, but, well...you have my sympathy, dear!

medieval woman said...

I'm so sorry you're having a hard time - I can completely understand that you're fed up!

As for Diamond, I'm sure she's just taking it easy and allowing her body to heal. Be sure to post on what the doc says when you bring her back today, but I'm sure she's just sore and generally re-charging her batteries. Remember that yesterday she was perkier because she'd had a pain shot, right? So, today the shot's worn off and she's just sore. But it's good that you're taking her to the vet's. And she'll be fine for a month - just stay in regular contact with the person who's taking care of her!

((((Hilaire))))