You know, I've been pretty good about this whole rigamarole of a ruined vacation - no, two ruined vacations, what with having to pull out of dance camp - and hospitalization and broken knee and crutches for the whole summer. And now the cat having an accident. I haven't been crying or depressed or feeling sorry for myself or anything - I've been working away happily enough.
But you know what? Today I'm hurting and I'm worried and I'm frustrated and I'm. just. sick. of it.
I was at the university today for a meeting. I can't really function there - if there's stuff in my mailbox, for instance, I can't really get it and take it back to my office. Today there was a book and a couple of pieces of paper...I "cheated" on my crutches so that I could actually pick them up and ended tripping and landing and hopping on the broken leg - which I'm not supposed to put any weight on. Now it hurts. Fuck. What - I can't bloody get a book out of my mailbox, for god's sake?
And I came home and Diamond is doing worse - she is incredibly lethargic and just not herself. Although she was doing better yesterday, she seems to be doing worse again. I'm taking her in to the vet in a couple of hours. But I am leaving for Home City tomorrow morning - I am dropping her at my friend's for 4 1/2 weeks. When she's not well! And she was supposed to be coming with me to Home City!!!! But I can't manage her on crutches. I want her with me. I'm worried about her. And I also don't want to leave her for that long. My father helpfully asks if she'll turn against me if I leave her for that long. What a horrible thought.
I just want things to be easy for once. I am tired of this already. I'm tired of health problems and crises and things going wrong. And I'm tired in a larger sense, too - of managing a life and a relationship from thousands of miles away - for a year now - with no end in sight. At least another two years if I'm not successful on the job market. I don't want to do my life anymore, not like this.