My blogiversary - two years! - passed on May 22, while I was in Paris. I didn't take the time time to mark it then - I couldn't, really - and though I meant to do it when I came back, I haven't gotten to it.
Part of the reluctance to mark this blogiversary stems from the fact that I am feeling uncertain about the blog, I must admit. This has nothing to do with any of you, lovely blogfriends, or with the blogosphere or blogging in general. It comes entirely from me, not from any exhaustion with blogging or other bloggers. It's more like I'm tired of myself.
You see, when I began this blog, I tended to write weightier posts. I stopped feeling the need to do that after six months or so, when I felt I could relax into just recording my life.
But now I'm wondering, what is the point? And feeling intermittently quite embarrassed to have all this emotion out on display - I've blogged my breakup with R and getting back together, Mr. K's death, emotional teaching times in 2006-07 at Dream Uni, some severe unhappiness this past winter, and other crises. All in raw, charged ways. And when I think back, I feel quite unnerved about how much of myself I've laid bare. You see, in Real Life, I've often been told that "I hold my cards close to my chest." From what others tell me, it appears (and this is surprising to me, because it's not how I experience myself, as I'm sure you can imagine) that I often project a kind of detached calm. I realize that if this is the case, I do it because I don't like to be spectacularly emotive. You know, I'm good with emotions in very intimate situations, but not good at feeling on display with them. Crying in front of almost anyone else is a horror for me.
Yeah, but this blog has become precisely that spectacular, emotive theatre. Oh, not all the time, I know - but certainly it has been a lot of soul-baring. And I worry that it's all just self-indulgent, narcissistic...why do I put this out there for the world to see? It makes me feel slightly queasy about myself...I don't much like receiving lots of attention in RL, so why would I draw it my way, here?
I am perhaps being hard on myself*...it's true that I've blogged here for support and company and - dare I say it - friendship. That's been important at some crucial times. But I feel as if I'm expecting people to respond to me, demanding something of them somehow, and that makes me uncomfortable.
I suppose all of this is brought into relief, in a sense, because right now I'm going through something on a personal level that I can't imagine blogging about. Though I know it would make some fascinating reading, there's no way I am going to put it out there on a blog. That recognition has made me question why I've put other things out there in the past, and whether it's been for purely narcissistic reasons...Am I reluctant to put the new thing out there because it doesn't necessarily demand sympathy but shows me in a much more complex and possibly harsher way? Yuck. That's terrible.
So in the wake of the blogiversary, I'm thinking about the blog and even thinking about ending it. I'm torn, though, because I've made so many good connections through it and I don't want to leave behind this community...And also because I like the way I can talk about work on it. Yet I don't think I want to make this solely about work.
So I'm not sure. I may wind it up soon, I may not.
And this here has been another self-indulgent post, brought to you by Hilaire.
*Especially because I don't read others' quite personal blog posts and think they're being self-indulgent, ever. So why am I so suspicious of myself?