Well, R has left - though she offered to stay at least until my appointment with the gynecologist on Thursday. I said that she didn't need to. I'll be okay. I did get cold and scared just before she left...what a blessing it was to have her here when I got this unexpected news. It means that, until now, I haven't been alone since I went to the doctor on Thursday afternoon.
We had a very nice two days away. R kept bursting into tears, but I was okay. I mean, my thoughts were on it, but I was able to enjoy myself in a way that surprised me, a little. The only times I've gotten really freaked out were the two times I looked up some information about ovarian cancer on the Internet - learning about death rates, and the extent of the hysterectomies that are usually required, and the fact that if there are any symptoms at all - and I had symptoms - it is not an early case. Then I have felt panicky.
But I know that it might not be cancer. I know this. And mostly I have been able to think about it in those terms - as a perhaps. Even when my mind wanders - as it inevitably does - to the question of what if it is cancer, I am mostly filled with irritation and premature exhaustion, and not mortal fear.
One thing that has bothered me is that I am here, in Scary City. I have only, of course, lived here for 8 months. The doctor asked me if I had good supports - knowing that the week of waiting for any more information would be hard - and I said, automatically, yes. But I was thinking of my "old" life. Here, while I have been very fortunate to have befriended a lot of people in a relatively short space of time, it is another thing to burden new friends with being a support system. But I know I need to do this - I need someone to come to appointments with me, for instance. I need another pair of ears, especially if - as I did on Thursday - I get panicky and can't focus and ask questions properly. I am loath to bring a new friend into this, but I will have to do so. Poor them!!
I have talked to just a very few other people - people from home (in the expanded sense). While I have let them all know that this is preliminary, each one of the few that I've spoken to has offered to come out and help me, if the diagnosis does turn out to be the dire one. Such friends I have - wow, I'm lucky.
That's all for now - thank you for your lovely messages. You are a virtual support system!