So I just opened up the merit forms to have my first look at them. I mean, I won't get merit pay, but I have to go through the work of submitting the forms.
Forgive me if I appear naive, but I was a bit shaken: There are no points awarded for things that have taken up the bulk of my time since I began this job. Including DIRECTING AND GROWING THE PROGRAM!!!!!!!!! How is that possible? I have spent dozens - dozens - of hours on this. It is what I was hired to do - believe me, I'm not doing it as a lark. I have done so much work revising the bloody calendar entries and adding new curriculum - brand new courses, which have to be entirely laid out, including all readings, learning outcomes, assessment, etc. That process involves many meetings, and consultations with other department members and chairs and librarians, and writing courses from scratch, and learning how to speak in the particular language of these things. As well as writing lengthy rationales for each course and even each small change.
And all of that means nothing in terms of my "merit" as a faculty member? What the hell? I guess I just expected it to count for something. It has taken plenty of hours away from the research that actually does count for everything, according to this. How demoralizing. I hate this place.
On top of that, my home - which is the one thing I really love about Scary City - might be sold and the new owners move into my unit. And I would have to leave, and to find a new place to live in an INSANE real estate and rental market. After moving how many times? over the last year and a half? And in my life?
Oh Scary City, why did I ever think this was a good idea?