Monday, September 17, 2007

Not happy. But sometimes, riding home, I see the light

Dammit. This last couple of days has sucked. They have just confirmed how isolated I fucking feel here. For reasons having to do with structure, etc., that are unbloggable (which is really unfortunate, by the way; I'd love a good bitchfest about specifics, and how...).

That, and having fun menstrual and intestinal cramps for almost 48 hours now. Good times, good times. And today I was at the university for ten hours, all of them packed. Rode home as the sun set, getting here at almost 7:30. Knowing I could/should do hours more here. Had no break except for half an hour over my ever-so-virtuous home-packed lunch (when what I really wanted/NEEDED was nachos and whiskey), hearing terrible, terrible stories about terrible, terrible campus politics from my friend D. Yes, I know - not a break. Break would be stretching it. Major, major ugh is what most everything feels like right now.

You know, the one good thing in my life right now is my ride home. I mean, the ride to work is also fine, but it's 40 minutes of an UPHILL ride, and I'm always anxious to get there because I have to teach, etc. I don't stop to smell the roses, that's for sure. I think a lot about my screaming quads. But the way home - well, it's gorgeous. I can look around, can stop and say hi to horses, can pick apples, can look at bunnies, can watch the landscape unfold in front of me as I round certain bends. Sometimes - like today - I leave the campus completely dejected and exhausted and come home having gained a (bit of) lightness I'd never get if I had to drive, or take the bus.

(Might go poof, as they say...)


medieval woman said...

((hugs for Hilaire))

I'm sorry it's been such a crappy couple of days! I'm thinking of you!

heu mihi said...

I'm sorry, Hilaire! I hope that the rest of the week picks up for you (at the very least, that you feel better physically). Take care, and try to get a real break in today!

dbm/gaa said...

It sounds like reality is hitting in a big way! Hang in there, and savour those rides home. Make sure you eat well and rest, too, otherwise you'll end up unhappy and ill.

MaggieMay said...

You know why I love you Hilaire? Because you're so gracious and smart and lovely, and then you come out with stuff like "and what I really needed was nachos and whiskey"-- that is just awesome. I am sorry you're having a hard time of it lately, but dammit, you're still YOU and that's pretty awesome.

Hilaire said...

Thank you, all, for the good wishes.

I am eating well and resting, which is good. Although sometimes not resting very *well*, which is unlike me and an obvious sign of stress.

But really what I want to do is *drink*. I want that badly enough and often enough - i.e. every day - right now that I think it is wise that I don't do it very often. Because I feel that before I know it, I will have "strayed down the wrong path," if you know what I mean.

And, Maggie - thanks. That's a real compliment. Thank you.

Pantagruelle said...

I'm glad the ride home is so enjoyable! I agree that walking or riding home is so much better than driving in terms of giving one that period of time to relax and calm down after a long day.

I'm totally sympathetic about the cramps since I just got out of a 3 hour long meeting during which I was suffering from them too. Now for another weird and wacky Pantagruelleque suggestion: I only suffer cramps ever 3 months or so, and I wonder if you've considered alternatives to that monthly infliction. Speaking from one dyke to another, why do we need to go through all the trouble? For the past year now, I've been on one of those new versions of the pill that stop your period entirely, or let you bleed every 3 months or so. I know most lesbians don't really think about birth control as one of our priorities, but it's also not like we need to bleed to remind us that we're not knocked up. I think it also regulates our hormones in a way that reduces the risk of breast cancer, which we're more likely to get than straight women because we don't have kids and don't go through all those hormonal changes. Anyway, it's just an idea to make life a little bit easier. Email me if you want to know more...

Earnest English said...

I'm sorry Hilaire about the crappy few days. At least you're getting that exercise -- getting your brain washed every day. That's a smart thing you do for yourself every day. I'm thinking about you (because it keeps me from thinking about myself and my own woes, of course). {{{Hilaire}}}

What Now? said...

Sorry to hear about this sucky week!

I love the title of this post, and I'm glad that your rides home are something that's adding joy to your life.

But I hope your non-commuting life picks up soon. And by "picks up," I don't mean "gets busier," but rather "gets happier"!