Hello. I know it's been a long silence. I was really just spending time with R. - aside from the day I went to a research orientation, we were together for eight days straight. I kept up with blogs a bit, toward the end of the week, but really was just oriented toward time with her.
It was mostly just us, too - we had a dinner at someone's house on Tuesday night, and I hosted my first dinner party in my place on Thursday night (and pulled off quite a cooking coup, I must say...) But otherwise, it's been a lot of intense together-alone-ness.
She left a couple of hours ago, and it's a strange feeling. I won't see her, probably, for three and a half months. I cried when she left. But now I feel oddly impersonal and papery and unemotional, again. Ugh.
There is no more clarity on anything, really. I think there is in her mind, but I'm just so reluctant to commit to anything. I don't know what to make of this. I love her a lot - that much is clear to me - but I am so nervous about the differences between us that led to our demise the first time.
When she was here, we talked - as we sometimes nostalgically do - about our first kiss. Both of us remember it so well. It was one of those magic, electrical moments, oh so intense. Then R said, "I still feel like that, you know. I still get that crazy, swirly feeling in my stomach."
And what did I do? I didn't say, "Me too." I grinned at her for a moment, and then said - and I quote - "Can I tell you something about my toenails?" Classy, eh?
The thing is, I don't really have that feeling anymore - that feeling I had in that first kiss moment, or in the first month or two of the relationship. I didn't think that lasted. Christ - not after everything we've been through. Which doesn't mean I'm not attracted to her, or that we don't have a great connection. But it's just that I don't have the starry, silly, ascendant feeling of those summer weeks five years ago. I wouldn't have imagined she did, either. Or that anyone would, after five years of a challenging relationship.
And that makes me feel bad...as if I'm failing her somehow.
I can't figure out how much of this has to do with my overall weird emotional space. A lot, I suspect. But how to piece it all together when she's not even here, when I don't even see her for months at a time??
For now, though, I'm just sad. I miss her already, and I will be sad sleeping alone again. And back in my emotionless place - because she did rouse feeling in me, if not as much as I'm used to.
Tonight, though, what promises to be a debauched birthday party. And then a barbecue with my Couple-Crush and D, tomorrow night. Some distraction is good.