Saturday, September 01, 2007

Bye-bye, R.

Hello. I know it's been a long silence. I was really just spending time with R. - aside from the day I went to a research orientation, we were together for eight days straight. I kept up with blogs a bit, toward the end of the week, but really was just oriented toward time with her.

It was mostly just us, too - we had a dinner at someone's house on Tuesday night, and I hosted my first dinner party in my place on Thursday night (and pulled off quite a cooking coup, I must say...) But otherwise, it's been a lot of intense together-alone-ness.

She left a couple of hours ago, and it's a strange feeling. I won't see her, probably, for three and a half months. I cried when she left. But now I feel oddly impersonal and papery and unemotional, again. Ugh.

There is no more clarity on anything, really. I think there is in her mind, but I'm just so reluctant to commit to anything. I don't know what to make of this. I love her a lot - that much is clear to me - but I am so nervous about the differences between us that led to our demise the first time.

When she was here, we talked - as we sometimes nostalgically do - about our first kiss. Both of us remember it so well. It was one of those magic, electrical moments, oh so intense. Then R said, "I still feel like that, you know. I still get that crazy, swirly feeling in my stomach."

And what did I do? I didn't say, "Me too." I grinned at her for a moment, and then said - and I quote - "Can I tell you something about my toenails?" Classy, eh?

The thing is, I don't really have that feeling anymore - that feeling I had in that first kiss moment, or in the first month or two of the relationship. I didn't think that lasted. Christ - not after everything we've been through. Which doesn't mean I'm not attracted to her, or that we don't have a great connection. But it's just that I don't have the starry, silly, ascendant feeling of those summer weeks five years ago. I wouldn't have imagined she did, either. Or that anyone would, after five years of a challenging relationship.

And that makes me feel if I'm failing her somehow.

I can't figure out how much of this has to do with my overall weird emotional space. A lot, I suspect. But how to piece it all together when she's not even here, when I don't even see her for months at a time??

For now, though, I'm just sad. I miss her already, and I will be sad sleeping alone again. And back in my emotionless place - because she did rouse feeling in me, if not as much as I'm used to.

Tonight, though, what promises to be a debauched birthday party. And then a barbecue with my Couple-Crush and D, tomorrow night. Some distraction is good.


psychgrad said...

From what you're saying, it doesn't seem to me that you love her less than she loves you. Or, that you don't love her enough to pursue a relationship.

Also, you're in a position of moving to a new location, with a lot of change in your life. You have many new opportunities to look forward to and uncertainty whereas R is staying in the same location and relative to your life, the changes she is experiences are your absence. It makes sense that her excitement is about seeing you.

heu mihi (formerly jb) said...

What psychgrad said.

You're in such a transitional state right now, maybe the best decision is not pressuring yourself to make a decision? Not that that's an easy road to travel. But you do have a lot of other things to adjust to at the moment.

Well, whatever, non-advice aside, I'll be broadcasting comfort your way!

adjunct whore said...

this is such a sweet post and so illustrative of why i like reading you. in my experience, people/couples do not love equally or in the same way. to expect to is to court disappointment. you seem also self-protective and this is sure to blunt any dizzy feelings. she also doesn't live near you so self-protection seems appropriate.

i have no words of wisdom, but i'm sending virtual sympathy and affection. distraction is key and then maybe when you're ready you can do some serious soul searching about what you want in a relationship and if R fits it. maybe your love is an old, comfy love, especially good when you're experiencing so much disorientation.

in anycase, don't be too hard on yourself. you're only as god made you:) i just like using that phrase....

Hilaire said...

Thanks, you gals. You are all, of course, quite right. R herself has said the same thing to me...that we don't need to know right now. I don't know what it is that makes me feel as if I have to make some kind of decision right now...

I need to be patient with myself. If I'm realistic about it, I won't even be able to relax and start to feel myself again until the new year - January. Because the fall is so insane. Why demand yet more of myself, when I can't control it anyway?

MaggieMay said...

a.w. put it so well: "people/couples do not love equally or in the same way. to expect to is to court disappointment." That's exactly right. The trick is figuring out if your kind of love for her is enough for her, and enough for you. And that's tough to do long distance, of that I am sure.

Thinking of you, H.