OK. I need a break. I felt dangerously close to having a breakdown last night, so I think it's high time that I take a day to myself. And try to banish as much anxiety as I can before I make myself ill.
For the record, I am already wanting off this merry-go-round, and it's three weeks before classes start. It's my own fault, of course - I didn't budget my time this fall wisely, not at all. I thought I could be superwoman. But I must say, when things get as bad as they did last night - I can't remember feeling that borderline crazy with stress in many years - then it is time to change something.
What sent me over the edge last night was looking at some documents related to preparing a SSHRC grant application. The monumental nature of this task feels crushing - and I don't feel like I'm getting much support. The research office people aren't responding to emails with a question and a request to see the past successful applications they have on file. I haven't had a reply yet from my friend M, who volunteered to send me his successful application ten days ago, but then went AWOL.
It doesn't help that I'm so locked up inside my own head all the time, spending 12 hours a day at the computer, and speaking to almost no one. The recipe for craziness.
It is a payday today, and this finally brings me out of the unprecedented money crunch I've had for the last month or so. So I feel as if I have some options, finally - I can take myself out for lunch, I can stock up on nice foods for the house, I can buy the plants this place so desperately needs because I had to leave all my plants in Home City. I can spend the day wandering.
I also decided to ditch the half-marathon plan for October. I just can't add another thing to my plate right now. I'll still run, of course - I've been loving running, lately, and it has been one of the only things getting me out of my house. I'll still do weekly long runs. But I don't need more deadline pressure, which is what training for a run turns into. And unfortunately, I can't just run a race for the hell of it...I'll be chasing a time, too. So, no, I don't think that's wise. Though I feel like I've failed for deciding not to do it (and yes, I realize how incredibly stupid that feeling is). I"ll aim for a race in the spring.
So I'll pay a couple of bills now, and then go out into the world. Shopping plans include some interesting cheeses. Eating plans include nori rolls and gelato. Drinking plans include something on a patio this afternoon. Maybe I'll even go to a movie tonight. Although I don't feel very relaxed right now - in fact, it makes me feel slightly nauseated to think of leaving my work for a day - I trust these things will work their magic.