Sunday, January 14, 2007

The first real weekend

I had my first real weekend at A's. It went okay. I was fighting off a fair bit of sadness, though. Especially yesterday, when I made muffins and lay on the couch reading the paper and just missed GF so much, because that was so typical of our weekends together.

But it was a busy weekend, full of fun, friendly diversions. On Friday night, I saw my friend Rob, the one I have a reading duo with. We weren't talking books this time, though. We went to a busy, relaxed neighbourhood pub at an earlyish hour and stayed till the place was about to close. Our sweet server said to us indulgently, as she was finally bringing us the bill, "Wow - you two have been here a long time." That was mildly embarrassing.

On Saturday night, my friend Kim and I went for a long overdue dinner out - our Christmas present to each other, we'd decided. We went to another place in my new/old end of the city. Ate excellent tapas, drank quite a bit of really good wine, and told secrets. That was fun. Kim is someone I met through her partner, her husband, who was my friend for years before she was on the scene. Now I'm much closer to Kim than to her husband. They have a fraught relationship, and Kim and I talk a lot about the dynamics between them (they seem profoundly unsuited, in many ways...). Last night - the wine talking and the secrets flowing - Kim asked me to promise to tell her if it ever becomes clear that they should end their marriage. She said what I know all too well, which is that sometimes it is hard to really see the relationship when you're in it. So she wants to rely on me to say something when I think it's devolved too far. That feels hard, but I see what she means about the loss of perspective.

This morning I had brunch with an old friend, someone I worked with in publishing for ten years. She's a CEO now, of a high-profile entity. She and I go back such a long way, have such a profoundly symbiotic relationship on so many levels, and yet we're so incredibly different. I thought about how this can work so well in a friendship, and yet is so challenging in a relationship. It's what ended GF and I; it may well end Kim and her husband.

In between, there was dog walking and a complete failure to work on the projects I have to accomplish. Oops. Tomorrow - no joke. The problem is beginning the paper I need to write. The problem is always beginning.

The other thing about this weekend has been the sense of revisiting my life. Since this is the end of the city that I grew up in, it all holds so many memories. Within a fifteen-minute walk, there are:
- one of my high schools
- the former office of the place I worked from 15 (!) to 25 years old
- the home where I was a nanny for one of my teachers for the summer
- a park where I did mushrooms
- the park where, earlyish in high school, I got together with my first boyfriend
- the place where my last boyfriend worked, at the end of high school
- the house that holds my very first memory (hiding under my mother's dresser - which is now my dresser).

I can't escape the feeling that all of this is telling me something, coming as it does at this incredibly transitional time in my life.


lucyrain said...

"So she wants to rely on me to say something when I think it's devolved too far."


Oh, do be careful, Hilaire. Providing such assessment can bring about the ole dead-messenger admonishment.

Regardless, I'm glad you had a lovely winey time.

Hilaire said...

You're right, Lucyrain. I thought about this. I think I see my role more as a catalyst for her to think about things. To say, as I did the other night, that "who...not wanting to be single" is not a good enough reason to stay in the marriage; think hard about the reasons for staying. To just be willing to frank about my observations. But I can't do more than that - it's not my place, and it wouldn't be ethical.

medieval woman said...

Hey Hilaire! This is a lovely post - I particularly like the way you walk us through your memories of your new location, which actually seems a bit like going back in time. I know this move has been tough on you and I think that this is one of the ways it's impacted you - kind of like stepping back when you should be stepping forward? But I do think that this comes at a significant point in your multi-stage transition - maybe like revisiting and acknowledging old memories that might help with the move forward?? A little too Deepak Chopra?? :)


Hilaire said...

Hey, MW - I think you're exactly right. It's like you were in my brain today - that's exactly how I was thinking about it, as "stepping back in time when I should be going forward"! I think you're right on with your assessment of the positive in this, too. In a sense, it's allowing me to revisit *every* part of Home City, and my life in this part of the world, before I take the scary step of moving so very far away for the job. In fact, I think I might think on this some more and maybe write a post about it!