...That is right. Today I travelled from Home City to Scary City. (For at least a while, the city I come from will still be Home City - hell, it will always be Home City to me, I think.)
As my departure approached, I felt myself shutting down. So I said goodbye to R and boarded the plane without heartache or tears. Problem is, I boarded the plane and arrived in Scary City without any emotion. I'd started to thaw out, so to speak, toward the end of my time in Home City. But I am all sewn up tight again. And I just can't make myself care about the term that starts tomorrow. When have I not cared about teaching?? I've always cared about teaching. But right now, I'm a machine. I haven't given a single thought to the class I teach starting in thirteen hours.
Again, I just need to throw myself into my research - if I can't be emotional, at least I can be cerebral. And I will feel as if I there is a point to my existence.
And I have located a potential therapist already. I have an introductory, do-we-fit? appointment with her on Tuesday afternoon. She sounds promising. I do this mostly for myself, but also I owe it to R. My relationship with her is suffering due to my ambivalence and unhappiness and I need, for its sake, to sort out my needs and desires.
I have a cat now!! For the year. She is amazingly well-adapted to this place already, and seems to have made her home the guest bed. She's a darling little black thing named Diamond. The instructions left to me by her owners (my former downstairs neighbours, who are going away for a year) say, "She likes to be gently scratched and purrs frequently." Which I find insanely freaking cute. I shall post pictures soon.
A strange bright spot is that I have accepted the work of replacing someone on a hiring committee. The candidates are coming in over the next two weeks. I shouldn't feel as interested in this as I do, given that I am predictably swamped with other beginning-of-term things, and that it will involve me being on campus five days a week this week and next (instead of four). But I am looking forward to it for some reason. A strange bright spot indeed.