Today is R's and my 5-year anniversary. 5 years ago today, we went on our first date - a late dinner. But we're not really an "us" right now. Well, I suppose we are provisionally "us", but we don't know how long that will last. And so, it is strange to consider celebrating today as an anniversary. I am wary of it. It is probably a bad move for my heart.
It is strange all around, in fact. Many things are bad for my heart at the moment. For yesterday I moved out of the housesit (they return today) and back into R's for two weeks, until I leave. So it's a rather strange anniversary, indeed. Here I am, back in this home in which I lived for several years, living out of suitcases. With our dog in his one true home. Knowing it so well, but still feeling like a guest. Knowing that I could relax into not being a guest - that is what R would like, in fact - but being afraid of that.
I don't know. I keep meaning to blog about all of this. But I don't know where to start - there's too much. Until then, an update: I am doing...weirdly. Not badly.
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3 comments:
Oh, sweetheart. That's hard. Being unsettled--as you are in so many ways--is just hard. But I'm glad you're not down in the dumps, and I have faith that in a month or two you'll start to get greater clarity and a greater feeling of groundedness.
In the meanwhile, enjoy the next two weeks as best you can.
Forget about defining what the relationship is, or has been in the past, or (this is the hard one) will be in the future. Just try to take the joy it can give you now. Holding back won't make it any easier to leave.
Oh, and I just meme-tagged you!
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