Recently I went to a party, an annual party, of people from my Activity days. I went mainly to see and say goodbye to the host of the party, M, who is a good friend. She was leaving on a trip a few days later, so this would be my last chance to see her before moving away. My friendship with M always delights me...she's in her mid 50s, and the differences in our lives are so profound. And yet we have this wonderful connection...we always have fun.
I could only be at the party for about an hour and a half, as R had scheduled an impromptu dinner with other friends for that night. As M and I stood and talked in the kitchen, I became a little teary. So did she. I could tell she was in an unusual state. She is sweet and polite, but highly composed and no-nonsense -never one to wear her more complicated emotions on her sleeve. It's very unusual for her to cry, in public at least.
When I had to go, M took me to the foyer to see me off. And broke down, sobbing and gasping. Which set me off, too. She made a little speech through her tears about "wishing me all the best" and "have a good life," which was disconcerting, because in my mind, we'll see each other again! I'll be here, for instance, at winter break! And I left the house, sobbing. It was a jarring and unexpected experience, seeing that kind of emotional display from M. I think I was also shocked at the depth of my own sadness at saying goodbye to her.
Anyway. I walked, crying. Hurried, because I had to meet R and these others for dinner. And I realized as I walked that I was on a kind of auto-pilot...I was heading to the dinner meeting spot, which is in a strange location I don't go to that often, from M's out-of-the-way, strangely situated house, without even thinking for one moment about where I was going or how to get there.
The thing is, this complete ease of movement is because this city is in my blood. I've lived in it for twenty-five of thirty-two years, and I know it intimately. And I love it. I really love it, everything that is mundane and unassuming about it. Even writing about it right now makes me emotional.
This conjunction of moments - the emotional goodbye with M, and the sudden consciousness of my auto-pilot moving through the city - made me think about my current move in a new way. Though my upset about the move has been couched in railing against Scary City, what I am really doing is grieving the leaving of this place. So I thought as I walked and tried to compose myself about how I would be perfectly content to live here, in this city where I was born - where one of my parents, and hell, one of my grandparents were born - forever.
That, for me, is the disconnect in doing a PhD and becoming an academic. I don't want to leave my home. Of course, I didn't think about this as I did a PhD - I didn't plan a thing - and even when the probability of leaving for good loomed on the horizon, I couldn't really feel what it would mean to me. But over the last number of months, while it's been imminent, what I've been doing is grieving the loss of place.
And you know what? That day, as I walked, I thought that I would give up an academic career in order to live here, in Home City. I am not doing that now, obviously, but I don't know what will happen down the road, how much I will miss this place. I am rooted enough here that roots might trump all else. It feels rather antiquated and embarrassing to admit that, as an academic, but there you have it.
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
This post won't let me title it. It is supposed to be called "Don't Mind me: Blogging a Lost Thing"
Oh, please show yourselves, expensive prescription sunglasses! I have had enough of losing things and feeling discombobulated. And while I suspect you fell out of my bag in a taxi last week, the taxi company sure doesn't have you in its lost and found...so a small part of me still holds out hope that you are somewhere here...right under my nose. Please?
Oh, please show yourselves, expensive prescription sunglasses! I have had enough of losing things and feeling discombobulated. And while I suspect you fell out of my bag in a taxi last week, the taxi company sure doesn't have you in its lost and found...so a small part of me still holds out hope that you are somewhere here...right under my nose. Please?
Trucking along
So it's still The House of Back Problems and Financial Crises here in Home City. For some reason, my back seems more painful today than it did yesterday...there goes the theory of progress. But at least I am generally mobile now. I do have to say, though, how frustrated I am. I feel as if this is going to really interfere with my running. I had plans to do another half-marathon in early October, but I feel far away from running again. So I wonder if this may have grounded me for too long to get my running up to speed before then, which sucks. I mean, I anticipate being able to run in August (damn, I hope so) but I wonder what taking a month off - if that's what it is to be - will do to me??
And financial woes are no fun!!! Agh...What more to say about that?
Here's the good among all the blech:
- I have a real live web page at my New Uni, complete with picture (which has somehow been stretched in the process of putting it up, making my face look twice as wide as it actually is!). Notwithstanding the botched picture, I can't believe how tickled I am by this. It makes me feel like I've arrived, I have to say. As does the the paperwork activating my start-up funds!
- R, an organizational wizard, sat me down and figured out a budget to help get me through the next month or so, after which point things should even outa bit. Then she emailed me a long-term monthly budget on an Excel spreadsheet this morning, having spent the first hour of her work time making it. It is meant to be the way that I can get rid of almost all my credit debt in a year. She's so smart. Which makes me ask myself how I could be such a bloody idiot with money. How, how? Oh well...this last disaster has made me turn over a new leaf. I really think it has. I embrace the budget!!
Fascinating stuff, eh?
And financial woes are no fun!!! Agh...What more to say about that?
Here's the good among all the blech:
- I have a real live web page at my New Uni, complete with picture (which has somehow been stretched in the process of putting it up, making my face look twice as wide as it actually is!). Notwithstanding the botched picture, I can't believe how tickled I am by this. It makes me feel like I've arrived, I have to say. As does the the paperwork activating my start-up funds!
- R, an organizational wizard, sat me down and figured out a budget to help get me through the next month or so, after which point things should even outa bit. Then she emailed me a long-term monthly budget on an Excel spreadsheet this morning, having spent the first hour of her work time making it. It is meant to be the way that I can get rid of almost all my credit debt in a year. She's so smart. Which makes me ask myself how I could be such a bloody idiot with money. How, how? Oh well...this last disaster has made me turn over a new leaf. I really think it has. I embrace the budget!!
Fascinating stuff, eh?
Monday, July 09, 2007
The times, they just get better and better
Oh my god. I am so embarrassed. I have bounced my first rent cheque on this new apartment in Scary City, I just discovered. How could I do this? Could anything look worse? Shit.
The problem is that I had no income for the month of June, and also had to make a very sizeable outlay of cash, what with buying new furniture. My credit is almost all used up, too. So the money is there in my account now - I was transferring it over from a line of credit - but when the rent cheque was put through on Thursday, it wasn't there yet. In fact, it appears that if the cheque had gone through just a few hours later, there wouldn't have been any problem. Agh!!!!!!
At any rate, what a mess. I had to send a very apologetic note to the landlord (whom I've never met, because he lives in another city, and one of the other house tenants manages the rentals for him). What a way to have a first contact with your new landlord. And there is also some niggling worry that he'll try to kick me out for this. Imagine. What would I do then?
In other news, I appear to have lost a $300 pair of prescription sunglasses I've had for about two months. The good news is, my benefits at the last job paid for them. But still! Double agh!!!!
The problem is that I had no income for the month of June, and also had to make a very sizeable outlay of cash, what with buying new furniture. My credit is almost all used up, too. So the money is there in my account now - I was transferring it over from a line of credit - but when the rent cheque was put through on Thursday, it wasn't there yet. In fact, it appears that if the cheque had gone through just a few hours later, there wouldn't have been any problem. Agh!!!!!!
At any rate, what a mess. I had to send a very apologetic note to the landlord (whom I've never met, because he lives in another city, and one of the other house tenants manages the rentals for him). What a way to have a first contact with your new landlord. And there is also some niggling worry that he'll try to kick me out for this. Imagine. What would I do then?
In other news, I appear to have lost a $300 pair of prescription sunglasses I've had for about two months. The good news is, my benefits at the last job paid for them. But still! Double agh!!!!
Sunday, July 08, 2007
Update
Well, the back is still quite bad, but it is a bit better than it was at the time of my last post. I spent 48 hours in bed, and then emerged late afternoon yesterday. Took the dog for a short walk, and had to go to a barbecue, which was very painful indeed. Today, I took the dog for a longer walk (which took me about twice as long as it should have, as I was shuffling along), and we got caught in a thunderstorm. Then I slept for three hours this afternoon; I guess it takes a lot of energy, to manage this. NOw, it's 7pm and I feel ready for bed again.
I'd have assumed that three days into it, things would have improved more than they have. I start to get a little nervous about whether I've done more damage than I thought. But I do think that once I started taking arnica late last night, things began to improve a wee bit more rapidly than they had been doing. Still, progress is slow.
Otherwise, when I've not been sleeping I've been emailing and writing my syllabi for the fall. Trying to come up with interesting assignments. Not getting very far on that count.
And so it goes. Perhaps tomorrow I will actually try to get into a chiro not for manipulation but for ultrasound and/or electric stimulation. Anything to speed up this healing!
I'd have assumed that three days into it, things would have improved more than they have. I start to get a little nervous about whether I've done more damage than I thought. But I do think that once I started taking arnica late last night, things began to improve a wee bit more rapidly than they had been doing. Still, progress is slow.
Otherwise, when I've not been sleeping I've been emailing and writing my syllabi for the fall. Trying to come up with interesting assignments. Not getting very far on that count.
And so it goes. Perhaps tomorrow I will actually try to get into a chiro not for manipulation but for ultrasound and/or electric stimulation. Anything to speed up this healing!
Friday, July 06, 2007
Still here
Well, folks, the annual summer trip to visit E in Burlington was not to be, due to this back injury. By last night, the pain was so acute that I couldn't really walk and I couldn't even get into bed - R had to lift my legs up off the floor so that I could lie down. I think Maggie's suspicion that it is just a muscle spasm - and that the only cures are rest and muscle relaxants - was right on. I had initially thought I would seek out a chiropractor. But I realized today that I wouldn't want anyone even touching the area, much less manipulating and "cracking" it. (I say this as someone who went to a chiropractor for a long time.)
Time and rest are already healing it. It is better than last night; I can walk now. But my body is on some crazy angle - I am all bent to the right, with my left hip sticking out. Ah, well. It'll pass, I suppose. This morning I watched the British Queer as Folk - which I'd never seen before - for a few hours. Then my mother - with whom I was supposed to have a quick lunch before I traveled - came by with a little lunch and some muscle relaxants. I slept for a few hours, and now feel somewhat human again.
But oh, damn, the trip!! While I know that it wouldn't have been possible, it is such a drag. I miss E very much. In fact, though this is usually an annual trip, last summer was the one time I missed it. So now I haven't seen her in a year and a half, and who knows when I'll get a next chance. Damn.
Time and rest are already healing it. It is better than last night; I can walk now. But my body is on some crazy angle - I am all bent to the right, with my left hip sticking out. Ah, well. It'll pass, I suppose. This morning I watched the British Queer as Folk - which I'd never seen before - for a few hours. Then my mother - with whom I was supposed to have a quick lunch before I traveled - came by with a little lunch and some muscle relaxants. I slept for a few hours, and now feel somewhat human again.
But oh, damn, the trip!! While I know that it wouldn't have been possible, it is such a drag. I miss E very much. In fact, though this is usually an annual trip, last summer was the one time I missed it. So now I haven't seen her in a year and a half, and who knows when I'll get a next chance. Damn.
Thursday, July 05, 2007
Eight wonders: A meme
The ever-thoughtful Squadratomagico has tagged me for a meme of her own devising, based on the "eight facts about me" meme that's been circulating lately. What, she asks, are eight things you wonder about? I am happy to comply, especially because I am feeling giddy and in the mood for a meme. Even though I have put my back out today. Quite badly. Oh dear. I can barely walk, and I can't move laterally, bend over, or lift anything. The toll taken by days of moving boxes and heavy furniture around, and scrubbing floors, etc. It happened when I shifted a box this morning - nothing particularly heavy or anything...But it sent the low back over the edge. Hmmm...it hurts. But still, giddy. And I must be damn giddy if I'm still meme-ing through this pain.
Why giddy, you ask? Well, it's because the movers have taken all my things away! On their long haul to Scary City. They came and loaded up the all the stuff from my two storage units this morning, and put it into a container, which was in itself fascinating to watch. All that stuff! One shipping container! So I am feeling liberated from stuff - I have only the bags of clothes and a few books and papers, etc., with me until the unloading in Scary City in three weeks. Which fact - the feeling of freedom - brings me to the first of my eight pieces of wonderment...
1. Why do I - why do we, here in the Western world - insist on stockpiling so much freaking stuff? What does it give us, really? What does it keep at bay? And I say this as someone who has relatively little...no knick-knacks, really. Okay, quite a bit of clothing, but otherwise, the majority of the dozens of boxes moved today were filled with books. But considering how free I feel to have nothing but bags of clothes with me, I wonder if I shouldn't think about seriously scaling down. I think about the Canadian musician Jane Siberry, who recently changed her name to Issa and divested herself of everything she owns - including the masters of all of her music! - except one backpack full of clothes. Well, now that's a bit extreme - one bag of clothes!!! ;) - but I think she may be onto something.
2. Why do people insist on ignoring the undeniable fact that oil is a finite resource? (Like all of the big-picture questions here, this is posed more rhetorically than anything, while still reflecting a kind of grand wonderment...I have some ideas, as do many of us, about things like the reasons for addiction to fossil fuels!) Seriously, something doesn't compute for me. Any kind of governmental commitments to combating global warming seem completely meaningless, in the face of this willful ignorance. I don't really get how people - policy-makers, but also just whoever - make sense of this to themselves.
3. Why do I appear to need external validation in order to feel confident in my abilities? Ahem, driving, is a good case in point. (This is a skill I've learned in order to drive from time to time - like yesterday, when I borrowed a friend's car in order to move some things around - and that's my justification for driving in the face of the above point.) Yesterday when driving my friend's car around the city on a couple of errands, I was driving alone for only the second time. I am, I see, a much better driver when I'm alone. Because I have to be - I have to trust my knowledge. When I drive with someone else in the car, I am constantly saying, "Can I go?" or "Should I move over?" Of course, I know the answers to these questions, as demonstrated by my perfectly capable driving on my own. I just lack confidence. The same was true in the case of the highway test two weeks ago...I took this test - even though I didn't need to - because I knew that having the approval of a driving examiner would make me feel as if I can drive. I can drive, for goodness sake! Why can't I trust that? And this is only one of many instances of this kind of need for external validation. Grrr.
4. Why do most people seem to become more conservative as they get older? I am a case in point. By that I mean that I used to be a young radical, and now I am more complacent, less, well, het up - although my favourite young people are the young radicals. And I have no way, really, of explaining me to myself. There are all sorts of vague but plausible answers involving the words "wisdom" and "experience", etc., but they are not satisfying. This is such a common phenomenon, I need concrete answers! Hmmm...is it because you lose hope? I know that the reason I love the young radicals the best, of all my students, is because they give me hope. I guess the longer I live, the less hope I have?
5. Why do I sometimes have to fight with myself to go for my runs, when it almost invariably feels so great? Not always, but sometimes I fight - and sometimes the don't-go-for-a-run voice wins. But running can be the most profound high - why in the world would I ever not want to do it? Is my memory that short? Do I just forget that it doesn't suck energy, but gives me energy? Why, why? I ask this in the wake of the most glorious hour-long run yesterday, during which I felt like some kind of superhero. How can I not always want that feeling?
6. What's up with (non-)monogamy? By that I mean, why do so many of us folks who understand monogamy to be a social construction, still cling to it? In my case, it's in part because I think it's just too tiring to imagine having other kinds of relationships...I don't have the energy for the constant emotional negotiation any other arrangement would require. But I do wonder about others' reasons. Are they the same as mine? Is it also because, like me, they get to feel morally at ease when they tell themselves, "This is what being an adult is about...managing my desire for this other person...whom I'd really like to, well, sleep with, for starters"?
7. How does the postal system work?
8. Am I going to be able to manage a weekend away in Vermont - my annual visit to my dear old friend, who lives in Burlington - this weekend, what with the fact that I can barely move? What am I going to do about my back? I can't go to a chiro - there's no time. Will something as serious as this just improve on its own?
This feels horribly self-indulgent! Do know that there are plenty of other, more weighty issues I wonder about - in particular lately, lots of questions around Middle Eastern political situations! - but I am not in the frame of mind to tackle them. Please forgive my navel-gazing. And -- this is a great meme. I'm not going to tag specific blogfriends, but do know that I'd be very interested to read all of your questions, should you feel like giving it a try!
Off to drink some vodka with my feet up (assuming I can lie down)!
Update: Perhaps have answers to Question 8: What the hell was I thinking? I can't go to freaking Vermont!! This is getting worse by the minute; no, I can't even lie down. I would require bloody morphine to travel. Uh oh. What have I done?
Why giddy, you ask? Well, it's because the movers have taken all my things away! On their long haul to Scary City. They came and loaded up the all the stuff from my two storage units this morning, and put it into a container, which was in itself fascinating to watch. All that stuff! One shipping container! So I am feeling liberated from stuff - I have only the bags of clothes and a few books and papers, etc., with me until the unloading in Scary City in three weeks. Which fact - the feeling of freedom - brings me to the first of my eight pieces of wonderment...
1. Why do I - why do we, here in the Western world - insist on stockpiling so much freaking stuff? What does it give us, really? What does it keep at bay? And I say this as someone who has relatively little...no knick-knacks, really. Okay, quite a bit of clothing, but otherwise, the majority of the dozens of boxes moved today were filled with books. But considering how free I feel to have nothing but bags of clothes with me, I wonder if I shouldn't think about seriously scaling down. I think about the Canadian musician Jane Siberry, who recently changed her name to Issa and divested herself of everything she owns - including the masters of all of her music! - except one backpack full of clothes. Well, now that's a bit extreme - one bag of clothes!!! ;) - but I think she may be onto something.
2. Why do people insist on ignoring the undeniable fact that oil is a finite resource? (Like all of the big-picture questions here, this is posed more rhetorically than anything, while still reflecting a kind of grand wonderment...I have some ideas, as do many of us, about things like the reasons for addiction to fossil fuels!) Seriously, something doesn't compute for me. Any kind of governmental commitments to combating global warming seem completely meaningless, in the face of this willful ignorance. I don't really get how people - policy-makers, but also just whoever - make sense of this to themselves.
3. Why do I appear to need external validation in order to feel confident in my abilities? Ahem, driving, is a good case in point. (This is a skill I've learned in order to drive from time to time - like yesterday, when I borrowed a friend's car in order to move some things around - and that's my justification for driving in the face of the above point.) Yesterday when driving my friend's car around the city on a couple of errands, I was driving alone for only the second time. I am, I see, a much better driver when I'm alone. Because I have to be - I have to trust my knowledge. When I drive with someone else in the car, I am constantly saying, "Can I go?" or "Should I move over?" Of course, I know the answers to these questions, as demonstrated by my perfectly capable driving on my own. I just lack confidence. The same was true in the case of the highway test two weeks ago...I took this test - even though I didn't need to - because I knew that having the approval of a driving examiner would make me feel as if I can drive. I can drive, for goodness sake! Why can't I trust that? And this is only one of many instances of this kind of need for external validation. Grrr.
4. Why do most people seem to become more conservative as they get older? I am a case in point. By that I mean that I used to be a young radical, and now I am more complacent, less, well, het up - although my favourite young people are the young radicals. And I have no way, really, of explaining me to myself. There are all sorts of vague but plausible answers involving the words "wisdom" and "experience", etc., but they are not satisfying. This is such a common phenomenon, I need concrete answers! Hmmm...is it because you lose hope? I know that the reason I love the young radicals the best, of all my students, is because they give me hope. I guess the longer I live, the less hope I have?
5. Why do I sometimes have to fight with myself to go for my runs, when it almost invariably feels so great? Not always, but sometimes I fight - and sometimes the don't-go-for-a-run voice wins. But running can be the most profound high - why in the world would I ever not want to do it? Is my memory that short? Do I just forget that it doesn't suck energy, but gives me energy? Why, why? I ask this in the wake of the most glorious hour-long run yesterday, during which I felt like some kind of superhero. How can I not always want that feeling?
6. What's up with (non-)monogamy? By that I mean, why do so many of us folks who understand monogamy to be a social construction, still cling to it? In my case, it's in part because I think it's just too tiring to imagine having other kinds of relationships...I don't have the energy for the constant emotional negotiation any other arrangement would require. But I do wonder about others' reasons. Are they the same as mine? Is it also because, like me, they get to feel morally at ease when they tell themselves, "This is what being an adult is about...managing my desire for this other person...whom I'd really like to, well, sleep with, for starters"?
7. How does the postal system work?
8. Am I going to be able to manage a weekend away in Vermont - my annual visit to my dear old friend, who lives in Burlington - this weekend, what with the fact that I can barely move? What am I going to do about my back? I can't go to a chiro - there's no time. Will something as serious as this just improve on its own?
This feels horribly self-indulgent! Do know that there are plenty of other, more weighty issues I wonder about - in particular lately, lots of questions around Middle Eastern political situations! - but I am not in the frame of mind to tackle them. Please forgive my navel-gazing. And -- this is a great meme. I'm not going to tag specific blogfriends, but do know that I'd be very interested to read all of your questions, should you feel like giving it a try!
Off to drink some vodka with my feet up (assuming I can lie down)!
Update: Perhaps have answers to Question 8: What the hell was I thinking? I can't go to freaking Vermont!! This is getting worse by the minute; no, I can't even lie down. I would require bloody morphine to travel. Uh oh. What have I done?
Wednesday, July 04, 2007
An anniversary, of sorts?
Today is R's and my 5-year anniversary. 5 years ago today, we went on our first date - a late dinner. But we're not really an "us" right now. Well, I suppose we are provisionally "us", but we don't know how long that will last. And so, it is strange to consider celebrating today as an anniversary. I am wary of it. It is probably a bad move for my heart.
It is strange all around, in fact. Many things are bad for my heart at the moment. For yesterday I moved out of the housesit (they return today) and back into R's for two weeks, until I leave. So it's a rather strange anniversary, indeed. Here I am, back in this home in which I lived for several years, living out of suitcases. With our dog in his one true home. Knowing it so well, but still feeling like a guest. Knowing that I could relax into not being a guest - that is what R would like, in fact - but being afraid of that.
I don't know. I keep meaning to blog about all of this. But I don't know where to start - there's too much. Until then, an update: I am doing...weirdly. Not badly.
It is strange all around, in fact. Many things are bad for my heart at the moment. For yesterday I moved out of the housesit (they return today) and back into R's for two weeks, until I leave. So it's a rather strange anniversary, indeed. Here I am, back in this home in which I lived for several years, living out of suitcases. With our dog in his one true home. Knowing it so well, but still feeling like a guest. Knowing that I could relax into not being a guest - that is what R would like, in fact - but being afraid of that.
I don't know. I keep meaning to blog about all of this. But I don't know where to start - there's too much. Until then, an update: I am doing...weirdly. Not badly.
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
Pollyanna?
Well, all you kids are doing it, and since I actually have about 1000 things to do today, none of which I want to do, why not try it...
I dunno about this...there are plenty of ways to find fault with me...but when I look at the "real" description of an INFP, it's actually pretty accurate in a lot of respects. Huh.
I dunno about this...there are plenty of ways to find fault with me...but when I look at the "real" description of an INFP, it's actually pretty accurate in a lot of respects. Huh.
Your Score: Pollyanna - INFP
20% Extraversion, 53% Intuition, 33% Thinking, 46% Judging
So, you want to make the world a better place? Too bad it's never gonna happen.
Of all the types, you have to be one of the hardest to find fault in. You have a selfless and caring nature. You're a good listener and someone who wants to avoid conflict. You genuinely desire to do good.
Of course, these all add up to an incredibly overpowered conscience which makes you feel guilty and responsible when anything goes wrong. Of course, it MUST be your fault EVERYTIME.
Though you're constantly on a mission to find the truth, you have no use for hard facts and logic, which is a source of great confusion for those of us with brains. Despite this, in a losing argument, you're not above spouting off inaccurate fact after fact in an effort to protect your precious values.
You're most probably a perfectionist, which in this case, is a bad thing. Any group work is destined to fail because of your incredibly high standards.
Disregard what I said before. You're just easy to find fault in as everyone else!
Luckily, you're generally very hard on yourself, meaning I don't need to waste my precious time insulting you. Instead, just find all your own faults and insult yourself.
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If you want to learn more about your personality type in a slightly less negative way, check out this.
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The other personality types are as follows...
Loner - Introverted Sensing Feeling Perceiving
Pushover - Introverted Sensing Feeling Judging
Criminal - Introverted Sensing Thinking Perceiving
Borefest - Introverted Sensing Thinking Judging
Freak - Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging
Loser - Introverted iNtuitive Thinking Perceiving
Crackpot - Introverted iNtuitive Thinking Judging
Clown - Extraverted Sensing Feeling Perceiving
Sap - Extraverted Sensing Feeling Judging
Commander - Extraverted Sensing Thinking Perceiving
Do Gooder - Extraverted Sensing Thinking Judging
Scumbag - Extraverted iNtuitive Feeling Perceiving
Busybody - Extraverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging
Prick - Extraverted iNtuitive Thinking Perceiving
Dictator - Extraverted iNtuitive Thinking Judging
| Link: The Brutally Honest Personality Test written by UltimateMaster on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test |
Sunday, July 01, 2007
The posting of tiredness
Igh. I'm freaking tired. So tired that when I woke up yesterday at 7 - next to R., who is my nightly companion these days - my first words were "I can't wait to go to sleep tonight." This morning, the first words were about the possibility of a nap later (not going to happen - too much to do). Absolutely pathetic.
Life feels a little too full of the extremes of tedium and emotion these days. I spent 9 hours yesterday moving all of my stuff out of this housesit into a second storage space (christ on a bike, how did I get so much stuff in my life?? Most of which consists of books?? I am not a knick-knack or junk collector...) and taking the cargo van to IKEA to buy more and more stuff, like a bed, a coffee table, a new shelving unit, lamps, etc, etc. And then moving that into storage, too. Everything hurts - and I am just tired, so tired of moving. That's the thing...it would be seriously indulgent of me to whine if this were the first time in years that I'd moved. But it is the third time in six months - and the fifth time in less than two years, considering that the academic year before last, I moved most of my stuff to another city for 10 months, and came to see R every other weekend. If I have to move again in less than two years, well...let's not go there. Let's just say, I wish that packing tape and bankers' boxes were not my best friends.
So that is all rather boring and tedious and slightly physically painful. (And no, new furniture does not represent fun right now because I don't really have the money to pay for it - had to borrow money from R. And because all I can think about is being in this new apartment in Scary City, by myself, having to assemble about ten different pieces of furniture, including a bed and this ginormous shelving unit, both of which weigh so much I can't even begin to move them.)
And on the other hand, apart from that tedium and general hellishness, there is the imminence of leaving, and what that is doing to me emotionally. Which is another kind of tired. On Friday night I went over to my friends K & J's - my birthday present to K in February had been that I would come over and cook them a dinner. (They are overwhelmed new parents.) So I finally did that, and R came, and the four of us had just such a lovely evening eating and drinking outside. And then I had to say goodbye, and I knew that this was the last time I would be spending with them (apart from a party I am having two nights before I leave - but you know how parties are...it's not quality time, exactly). And it was all I could do not to cry. And in a few hours, I have an annual party of Activity-friends to go to, which I promised I would attend, but which will also be a whole round of goodbyes to dozens of people. Followed tonight by my last dinner at one of my favourite places in this city, with two friends who also want to see me before I leave. Agh. All lovely - but too much. It's just this endless farewell, this constant reminder that I'm leaving this city in which I've lived for 25 of my 32 years, and the networks of people I'm so deeply tied to. Exhausting.
And with all this tiredness, all this overload on all levels, part of me is starting to actually look forward to being in this new city in August, knowing really nobody, and just being able to reacquaint myself with myself. Quietly.
Life feels a little too full of the extremes of tedium and emotion these days. I spent 9 hours yesterday moving all of my stuff out of this housesit into a second storage space (christ on a bike, how did I get so much stuff in my life?? Most of which consists of books?? I am not a knick-knack or junk collector...) and taking the cargo van to IKEA to buy more and more stuff, like a bed, a coffee table, a new shelving unit, lamps, etc, etc. And then moving that into storage, too. Everything hurts - and I am just tired, so tired of moving. That's the thing...it would be seriously indulgent of me to whine if this were the first time in years that I'd moved. But it is the third time in six months - and the fifth time in less than two years, considering that the academic year before last, I moved most of my stuff to another city for 10 months, and came to see R every other weekend. If I have to move again in less than two years, well...let's not go there. Let's just say, I wish that packing tape and bankers' boxes were not my best friends.
So that is all rather boring and tedious and slightly physically painful. (And no, new furniture does not represent fun right now because I don't really have the money to pay for it - had to borrow money from R. And because all I can think about is being in this new apartment in Scary City, by myself, having to assemble about ten different pieces of furniture, including a bed and this ginormous shelving unit, both of which weigh so much I can't even begin to move them.)
And on the other hand, apart from that tedium and general hellishness, there is the imminence of leaving, and what that is doing to me emotionally. Which is another kind of tired. On Friday night I went over to my friends K & J's - my birthday present to K in February had been that I would come over and cook them a dinner. (They are overwhelmed new parents.) So I finally did that, and R came, and the four of us had just such a lovely evening eating and drinking outside. And then I had to say goodbye, and I knew that this was the last time I would be spending with them (apart from a party I am having two nights before I leave - but you know how parties are...it's not quality time, exactly). And it was all I could do not to cry. And in a few hours, I have an annual party of Activity-friends to go to, which I promised I would attend, but which will also be a whole round of goodbyes to dozens of people. Followed tonight by my last dinner at one of my favourite places in this city, with two friends who also want to see me before I leave. Agh. All lovely - but too much. It's just this endless farewell, this constant reminder that I'm leaving this city in which I've lived for 25 of my 32 years, and the networks of people I'm so deeply tied to. Exhausting.
And with all this tiredness, all this overload on all levels, part of me is starting to actually look forward to being in this new city in August, knowing really nobody, and just being able to reacquaint myself with myself. Quietly.
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