Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Overdue reflections

I spent a couple of days - Thursday-Saturday - in Nearest Metropolis with my friend S. In my mind, this was supposed to be a bit of a (much-needed) blowout - ye know, doing Metropolitan things, which tend sometimes to be a little costly. I got thing off on the wrong foot when I forgot my wallet at home. S had to pay for me the whole weekend. It skewed the plans a little, unsurprisingly. Though I did come away with the most beautiful (and costly) top I've ever bought.

The holidays are shaping up to be a bit - well, a lot - wonky. I had all these plans, and now they're falling apart. I feel as if this is a sign that I need to start thinking of Scary City as my home. I can't pin hopes on Home Region. This is depressing.

Part of this is that R and I are having a falling-out. We've continued to act as if we are together as a couple, in many ways. We talk all the time. I've known it's problematic, but it's been very, very comforting. But now that is definitely over. It feels like a mini-breakup all over again. It shifts my relationship to Home City. To everything. Ugh. All of a sudden I feel profoundly unmoored. There were a few tiny certainties about the holidays, and now that they've come undone, I feel quite without an identity, frankly. It is not a nice feeling.

Hell, I wish I could have some sort of extended bloggy holiday party with all of you pals...it would be a lot better than what the actual holidays are shaping up to look like.

However. Today I will be able to finish my grading and submit my grades, and I shall be done with teaching until September. I am amazed and happy about that.

8 comments:

plam said...

I understand about feeling unmoored: my girlfriend is moving from Montreal to Waterloo at the end of the month (triggering no small panic on her end) and so the only place I can stay in Montreal is at my parents' house. It's weird to not have a non-parent place in Montreal.

My parents are travelling for 2 months as well, so I really don't have that many connections to Montreal, except for my judo club.

Hurrah for end-of-term though!

AliceAcademic said...

Hi Hilaire,

Sorry about the fallout with R. I understand how difficult it can feel to have such a major shift in identity, because that is how it is at the end of a long LDR, I'm going through the same thing myself.

That "umoored" feeling is difficult. I keep telling myself that being here is getting me to where I need to be to lose that feeling. Have you heard the song "Sweet mistakes" by Ellis Paul? Who do I think I am, commenting for the first time and recommending a song to you, but I'm finding it surprisingly comforting right now in pushing ahead. Maybe you will, too?

K said...

I'm sending virtual hugs with the hope that your holidays are filled with new friends and warm places, that your surgery goes well and that you heal quickly, and that the new year brings solace and peace.

Psychgrad said...

I like what AliceAcademic said, "being here is getting me to where I need to be to lose that feeling...". If your relationship is over, but you're carrying on like it isn't, then you probably have to go through this feeling of being unmoored to move on. Of course, that doesn't make the feeling any easier.

Maybe this is part of what's necessary to start thinking of Scary City as your home. If you think of your life being elsewhere, it can keep you in a prolonged state of flux.

Brigindo said...

I'm sorry about the re-break-up but I guess its not that surprising. I think those things happen around the holidays.

You are always welcome here at the House of Dirt and Rocks.

And yay for the teaching break.

Maggie said...

Come visit! Or better yet, take a trip to Big City By the Lake in the State with the Criminal Governor and have a bloggy meetup with a lot of us who live there or will be there over the holidays (husband and I are taking a trip).

Hilaire said...

Alice - thank you for your comment...and welcome! It was lovely. I don't know that song, and now am very curious...

The rest of you rock for your lovely empathy, as well...

And Maggie - Oh boy, do you ever know how to tempt me. I don't think I can swing it, though. :( but maybe over the winter? I don't know? I'll email you...

Anonymous said...

I really know the feeling. Its hard when a relationship ends because you (or at least I, who am going through that too) feel like you've lost a way of expressing many parts of your identity. It feels to me like I'm not me anymore And I've moved a year ago to a place I'm not at home in either, and I was relying on my parter to feel connected to the old place....so I too feel unmoored. You are not alone in that, I promise! But I hope that you are able to move on to a happier place. It comes eventually, I believe. Sometimes I think it comes sooner when things really end, even though it hurts more at the time.