Saturday, September 13, 2008

I think this is the longest break I've taken from blogging since I began, with the exception of times when I've been away. Truthfully, I haven't known what to say. I've been having a hard time - too hard to blog unself-consciously about - since writing that last Post of Hope. I suppose this is to be expected, in wake of breakup and all the health problems. It was premature, ten days ago, to think all was changing for the better. It's a slower process than that. And I'm just tired. Tired already.

That's not to say I haven't had some good times. I've made a new friend in the last couple of weeks, who is turning out to be that elusive friend, the wine drinker extraordinaire. We hang out for, like, 15 hours at a time. This is good. He is great. Except that it sometimes involves too much wine.

But yes, otherwise, things feel overwhelming. I still feel like my blood pressure doubles every time I walk into the university. My dark office continues to be a site of stress.

And then there is my work in single-handedly keeping the helping professions afloat in this province. Let's one week I will have seen OB/GYN (about the ovarian thing that refuses to go away, meaning we are tentatively planning invasive surgery for April), regular doctor, physiotherapist, and new therapist, and been referred to neurologist. I feel ridiculously broken. You'd think I was eighty-five.

And I'm not sleeping well. Haven't since I arrived back from Home City. I'm not a troubled sleeper, normally. But I have slept through the night only once in the last three weeks. Today I look like I have a black eye, actually. And I have to go to a department party with my black eye.

Still, there are small victories, small bright spots:

- My department has come out overwhelmingly in support of me and my one-person program. Overhwelmingly, jaw-droppingly, and even passionately in support. I will - as long as the Dean approves it - get to hire a colleague.
- My 8am class, the one I fretted about last spring, so worried was I about potential lateness problems? Well, I have had not a single late arrival since it began!! Plus, they all arrive bright-eyed and ready to talk. (Part of this is because it is my upper-year, 18-person class, rather than a 100-person first-year lecture, as I had originally thought it would be.)
- I went to a concert the other night, of a band I love and have seen several times in Home City. I went with my friend L, who takes care of Diamond when I go away. This was a reserved-seating show. What happened when I got there? All of my favourite people in Scary City (whom I didn't even know would be attending the concert, with the exception of one couple), were not only in attendance, but were either in our row - right next to us - or the one behind it. In a 400-person hall. This felt like some kind of cosmic alignment, I must say. I felt temporarily grounded in Home City, surrounded by all these folks I like so much.
- I have visitors right now - an ex-student from Dream Uni who is on a cross-continental odyssey, is here with her travel partner. She graduated in spring of 2007. She'd gotten in touch to ask if I could suggest some places to see in this area, and see if we could have lunch, and I invited her to stay. It's nice to see her/them.
- And I have Favourite Aunt whirling in for two days next week.

So there's enough to buoy me, in theory. I'll get there.


medieval woman said...

I'm still thinking of you a lot and wishing you continued moments of brightness right now! The concert sounds lovely and all the doc appointments will make you healthy again, I know it.


Susan said...

So glad the department is behind you -- it will be terrific to hire a colleague. And I know how exhausting all those medical appointments can be. It will improve, but still.

Good luck. The concert sounds as if there is some cosmic force keeping you connected!

plam said...

I hope that the good overcomes the bad; the small bright spots are things to be happy about.

I've meant to improve my office too; I don't really like its layout. But it's hard to find time for office improvement. (I just keep on adding desk lamps, but they don't seem to help much; I like the lamp you have in your office, though!)

Dr. K said...

Three cheers for the departmental support! That's a big step, based on what I know of the history of your current position.

As for the rest of it: you really have had a hard time of late. I'm sorry for that and I wish that there was something more that I could do other than send you a big virtual hug or two.

dbm/gaa said...

Thinking of you too, in fact I'd decided to email you today if there was no post because I was starting to worry! Enjoy the smooth, curse the rough and plow on through, and hang in there.

Anonymous said...

To have a welcoming and supportive department is a wonderful development, as are all of the little things that are working for you. Things are getting better, and I'm sure they will continue to get better--you are a tough fighter.

lilrumpus said...

I know its hard, but hang on to the small victories...and always, always allow yourself to mourn in your own time and way.

As far as the OBGYN, I am having some of that invasive-ovarian-remove-the-stubborn-baseball-sized-object-from-my-body surgery on wednesday...i'll let you know how it goes.

squadratomagico said...

Congratulations on the passionate support of your department! That sounds wonderful (and something I never have experienced, nor ever expect to, in my position). I'm glad things are slowly looking up, after all your travails ~~~ finding a 15-hour wine-bibber friend seems like a morale booster, too.

What Now? said...

Oh dear, this is certainly your annus horribilis. I'm glad there are bright spots here and there to bolster you. You remain in my thoughts regularly -- take care.

Sfrajett said...

Glad you are feeling better! And having more fun, too.

adjunct whore said...

i'm sorry about the shitty health and the break up and the general blues. i too have never had problems sleeping until this past year and, to be honest, i found drugs to be awfully helpful on this front. you know, not every night, sometimes not for weeks at a time, but in bad spots, i just take them and don't worry and sleep. it helps just to get some sleep, actually.

cosmic alignment indeed. relish the moments.

Hilaire said...

Thank you, all. The amazing support is, well, amazing, that's for damn sure. I am so counting on this hire.

Lil'rumpus - Oh, big surgery coming up! Hope you're alright with it. Please *do* let me know how it goes.

AW - Drugs, hmmm...what kind, pray tell, are you using?