What was I, on crack, when I decided it was a good idea to change my entire life by breaking up and moving to another area of the city, taking a ballet class, ramping up my running to train for a half-marathon, negotiating and contemplating a job in a far-away place, and starting to look for real estate to buy...all at the same time - and at the same time as I spend half the week in another city???!!!
Good lord. I know I blogged at the beginning of the school year about how the schedule just seemed crazy. I knew nothing then - I was a mere innocent.
Now? Now I feel like I'm on a goddamned hamster wheel. Wanting to be thrown off, but alas...And just as with my over-enthusiastic response to my students, I recognize that I have brought this on myself.
I have one night a week at home. One night. I teach Tuesday/Wednesday/Thursday evenings. I now take that ballet class on Mondays nights (twit). My only time to see friends is on the weekends, so of course I see them Friday and Saturday nights. That leaves me Sunday nights at home. I'm a nester, and not a night owl. This is so foreign to my system.
And every day, including the weekend, is about obligations and routine...walk the dog for 1.5 hours, fit in long runs, pick up Mr. K from across the city, go to ballet, download X, do errands, cook for ex-GF every Monday in a 2-hour window, run to ballet, pack late at night for my week...and on and on and on. It is a crushing routine, always the same, already worn way thin after four weeks of this term.
What was I thinking?? What kind of life is this?? I am scheduled and obligated to the hilt...there is no down time.
So now I'm fantasizing about some kind of hedonistic weekend, some weekend full of sloth and sex. Or this: My friend M and I were talking this weekend. He (type A+++++++ personality) revealed to me that he has a fantasy about going out to brunch on a weekend day, and then spending the rest of the day alternately napping and watching TV. I can't think of a more divine plan. It's pathetic - the idea of taking a day off and lying around and watching TV is so far-fetched that it's as exciting as the idea of some kind of truly hedonistic weekend, which is the other alternative.
I know we're all so busy. And I don't have kids or anything, so it could be much worse (though having a dog - even half time - is a huge responsibility). I just needed to rant; I'm so incredibly tightly wound. But I do recognize that I brought it on myself.
It makes me wonder. Because I'm actually not one of those superwoman types, someone who never has any down time. I've always been good at living a balanced life, taking days and even entire weekends off. I do wonder if I did this to compensate for something, or to prove something to myself, in the wake of the breakup. Well, whatever it was, it was dumb. Nice one, Hilaire.
Ever the optimist, I can't help but ending this hamster-wheel rant on some happy notes:
- I am absolutely loving ballet - it is a glimpse of pure joy...my body missed dancing...I only wish the classes were longer, or that it wasn't sandwiched in between all this other stuff, so that I wasn't scurrying there and back so breathlessly...
- Hey, at least I am exercising...I have somewhere to put all the stress that...uh...scheduled exercise adds to. (?)
- And I do get to get off the wheel for a bit, in ten days...I am going to visit my best friend, who lives in London, over my Reading Week. And we're going to Paris for a few days, so that I can do some preliminary research for my book, but mostly just so that we can hang out. Hurray!