...the wanting begins

Earlier this week I went for an overnight stay in New University City. I had been invited by the Chair to go to a party at a faculty member’s home – she thought it would be a good opportunity to meet people affiliated with the Department. What you need to know is that New University is where I’ve dreamed of ending up. I’m very lucky. All should be, and nearly is, well. Except that it’s not a permanent job – it’s another nine-month limited-term appointment. I am still lucky – just not secure.

Early in the day, the Chair spent a couple of hours with me, marching me around the campus, introducing me to people, getting me set up. She was the very model of generosity and helpfulness. She is actually in her last days as Chair, and that’s too bad – she’s great.

In the late afternoon, I made my way over to the party, and did the chatting rounds, which is not my forte. And most everyone was lovely and there were potential friends and some scholars I admire. I felt like I was “on”. Of course, I was “on” because this was my first time hanging out with these folks. But I was also “on” the way that I will be for the foreseeable future. You see, the outgoing Chair, who appears to be on my side, has told me that there will likely be a tenure-track posting for the following year. They’ll be hiring someone to teach and specialize in one of the core, required courses in the program. Which is the major portion of my teaching load for the coming year – it’s a perfect fit for me. (It’s a dreamy job I’ve landed.) Given my history of longing to be at this institution, this has me salivating. But of course, the job will be widely and openly posted; I’d be competing for my own position. I’m sure some of you have been there. Ugh.

So yeah, I was on like a frigging lightbulb at the party; I realized I was effectively beginning a months-long job interview. Yee haw. A friend who went to the party with me – she’s tenure-track at the New University and I will be staying with her next year (another stroke of luck) – warned me not to start thinking about it that way. To be myself, and blah blah blah. But it’s hard when I want something this badly. So I was there for a couple of hours, and did the chit-chat thing all the while. And then spent the rest of the evening identifying points at which I had potentially sounded arrogant, or stupid, or, or, or…

It’s just, I’m just, too close. To get my foot in the door at this place I’ve longed for this long, and yet to face the uncertainty of a search that might very well not play out in my favour…it all feels like too much tension, too much wanting…

(Now, a few days past the party, it mostly makes me laugh. That much wanting? Something I can’t even sleep with? Good god!)