tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-285533392024-03-07T06:01:51.959-08:00clashing hatsI need fresh things.Hilairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09033740943173352249noreply@blogger.comBlogger475125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28553339.post-72662767783784667162009-02-10T09:51:00.002-08:002009-02-10T09:59:57.527-08:00Bye.Hi, all. I know I've been gone for a month. I know I'm terrible for not responding to any of the lovely awards some of you gave me right around the time I disappeared from here. I'm sorry. And thank you.<br /><br />I've been doing just fine. I'm now almost five weeks past my surgery and feeling essentially back to normal. I've been working away at my research the last couple of weeks - getting an article ready to send out for publication.<br /><br />The truth is, I just haven't felt like blogging. I've been avoiding it. I'm not sure what's happened, but it seems the Will to Blog has left me entirely. So has the will to be a citizen of the blogosphere. I began to feel completely overwhelmed by blogging; it began to stress me out. Perhaps some of this feeling was spurred by Facebook...I finally joined, about 6 weeks ago. Although I'm not enormously active on Facebook, still, I think I hit my saturation point. I began longing for a bit of an escape from the Internet. And I've been cultivating that.<br /><br />So this brings me to this final post. I'm so sad to be leaving many of you behind; this is why I've been hesitating to write this final post. I'll keep this space up for a little while, in case I feel the urge to start up again. And perhaps you'll see me in your comments from time to time. But mostly I'll be off doing other things. I've struck up some wonderful friendships with some of you - you know where to find me...I'll be keeping this email address, for starters. We'll keep in touch, no question.Hilairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09033740943173352249noreply@blogger.com26tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28553339.post-36681453497070179372009-01-13T13:30:00.002-08:002009-01-13T13:35:16.184-08:00Brief updateSurgery on Thursday went well...turned out to be endometriosis. Whole ovary and fallopian tube removed, which they were trying to avoid. I'm really not bothered by this - no need for concern/condolences.<br /><br />Private room in hospital was a lovely treat. Morphine was not my favourite.<br /><br />Have just been, obviously, in recovery mode. (This was a laparotomy, not a laparascopy). My friend A is arriving on Thursday.<br /><br />And right now, I'm really tired, so I'm going to have a nap.Hilairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09033740943173352249noreply@blogger.com25tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28553339.post-72443448979838691012009-01-05T22:31:00.003-08:002009-01-05T22:44:47.228-08:00BackI arrived back in Scary City on Saturday. Had dinner that night with my new dear friends here: La and her partner. This was important. Coming back here from my time with friends in Home Region - with A, with S, with M, with my dance community - and being able to walk right into a fabulously fun night in a similarly easy friendship, was symbolic of my perhaps beginning to put down roots here. Just beginning.<br /><br />I am not teaching this term, because of my surgery. This makes me feel at once guilty and gleeful. I went to campus today to do a couple of things, and everyone around me was in high gear, what with the first day of classes. I can't believe the gift I've been given. I can't believe what a difference it makes, not having that pressure. I am a whole new me.<br /><br />This is one of many things that are making me feel amazingly optimistic about this new year. Last year was such a disaster that I think I have really sub-consciously felt the turn to a new year. Having my birthday and New Year's at the same time really allows me to reflect, and to consciously turn a page. Last week, I was staying with my friend A in Home City and she made me a birthday dinner, including this cake, which perfectly captures my feelings about this transition: <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSysyYjy5xbOXm7JNEuuWrDH563m9dgTa4XECp8wo_u1sdd1lfHuBP3_0MbPZLyo7FZHmECrxWH1an6pfWszxOIAJJO-0v4vvFRG-Ltr1-svdi_EeiJrgOri3OObQFzhegi1Dd/s1600-h/IMG_1449.JPG"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5288067690918586226" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 300px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSysyYjy5xbOXm7JNEuuWrDH563m9dgTa4XECp8wo_u1sdd1lfHuBP3_0MbPZLyo7FZHmECrxWH1an6pfWszxOIAJJO-0v4vvFRG-Ltr1-svdi_EeiJrgOri3OObQFzhegi1Dd/s400/IMG_1449.JPG" border="0" /></a> Perhaps because I'm not teaching, I really do feel as if I will be able to rock this year. Funny that I feel this way even though I am starting out the year with invasive surgery. But the recovery will be lovely. And I am rubbing my hands with glee at the prospect of diving back into my research and writing. I have big plans for writing, between now and August - and feel quite confident that they're achievable, which is certainly a novel feeling.<br /><br />In preparation for my surgery, I have also begun cooking in ridiculous quantities and stocking my freezer. Today, it was a kind of baked ziti with wild mushroom sauce, and a yam/peanut soup. Before I go into hospital on Thursday, I'll make a double batch of macaroni and cheese and a pot of chili with veggie ground round. I am so set, foodwise, and this too makes me happy. To be taking care of myself.Hilairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09033740943173352249noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28553339.post-59876022033660775832008-12-29T18:35:00.004-08:002008-12-29T19:55:11.800-08:00End-of-year memeSkipped this last year, but seeing it at <a href="http://reassignedtime.blogspot.com/">Dr. Crazy's </a>reminded me of its value...<br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?</strong><br />- Broke my knee<br />- Traveled to Hawaii<br />- Put a dog to sleep<br />- Viewed active volcanoes<br />- Joined Facebook (like, yesterday)<br />- Was stung by a wasp (and had complications)<br /><br />2<strong>. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?</strong><br />I don't think I really had any resolutions. I appeared to want to have more fun. Instead, I had less. Hmmm...So I don't know about goals for the coming year...Perhaps, write lots and lots and lots. Yes, that's it. That will make me happy.<br /><br /><strong>3. Did anyone close to you give birth?</strong><br />No.<br /><br /><strong>4. Did anyone close to you die?</strong><br />My beloved dog, Mr. Kasper.<br /><br /><strong>5. What countries did you visit?</strong><br />France and the United States.<br /><br /><strong>6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?</strong><br />Health.<br /><br /><strong>7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?</strong><br />- January 25, the day of Mr. K's death.<br />- March 19, the day R arrived in Scary City for a trip that was entirely overshadowed by my cancer scare.<br />- June 30, the day I broke my knee in Hawaii.<br />- August 16, the day of a family party to which I drove, contemplating the fact that R and I were about to break up.<br /><br /><strong>8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?</strong><br />I dunno. Can't really think of anything. It was not that kind of year.<br /><br /><strong>9. What was your biggest failure?</strong><br />I really did not write enough.<br /><br /><strong>10. Did you suffer illness or injury?</strong><br />Oh boy, did I?! The knee, the ovary, the infected arm, the headaches.<br /><br /><strong>11. What was the best thing you bought?</strong><br />A gorgeous blue silk top. A fantastic red and white and black dress.<br /><br /><strong>12. Whose behavior merited celebration?</strong><br />My departmental Chair, in all the ways he supported me.<br /><br /><strong>13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?</strong><br />A colleague who shall remain nameless, who has been putting me in touch with the depths of academic sliminess.<br /><br /><strong>14. Where did most of your money go?</strong><br />Plane tickets. Credit card companies.<br /><br /><strong>15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?</strong><br />- Volcanoes.<br />- Boogie-boarding.<br />- Being able to try running again, about a month ago.<br />- Crepes.<br />- Archives.<br /><br /><strong>16. What song will always remind you of 2008?</strong><br />Goodnight California, by Kathleen Edwards<br /><br /><strong>17. Compared to this time last year, are you:a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer?</strong><br />Sadder, fatter, richer.<br /><br /><strong>18. What do you wish you’d done more of?</strong><br />- Writing.<br />- Dancing.<br /><br /><strong>19. What do you wish you’d done less of?</strong><br />- Frittering time away on the Internet<br />- Drama<br /><br /><strong>20. How will you be spending Christmas?</strong><br />I spent it at my mother's, with her and some family members. It was really fun. We laughed a lot.<br /><br /><strong>21. Did you fall in love in 2008?</strong><br />No, but damn near.<br /><br /><strong>22. How many one-night stands?</strong><br />That's a tricky question...<br /><br /><strong>23. What was your favorite TV program?</strong><br />I am behind the times, of course...years behind. Six Feet Under. The Tudors.<br /><br /><strong>24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?</strong><br />No.<br /><br /><strong>25. What was the best book you read?</strong><br />Hmmmm...Miranda July's collection of stories, <em>No One Belongs Here More Than You</em>. Haruki Murakami's <em>Kafka on the Shore</em>.<br /><br /><strong>26. What was your greatest musical discovery?</strong><br />Again, remember that I'm behind the times...Iron and Wine.<br /><br /><strong>27. What did you want and get?</strong><br />The ability to run again.<br /><br /><strong>28. What did you want and not get?</strong><br />A certain unnamed individual.<br /><br /><strong>29. What was your favorite film of this year?</strong><br />Hmmm...Perhaps <em>The Band's Visit</em>?<br /><br /><strong>30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?</strong><br />Tomorrow (the 30th) is my birthday. I will have lunch with my PhD supervisor, hang out with A, and have dinner at the same fave Home City restaurant as last year, with R.<br /><br /><strong>31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?</strong><br />No corrupting drama in the epic story with the individual alluded to in #28. But really, how can I name just one thing?<br /><br /><strong>32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?</strong><br />In flux. Needing an infusion. Confused by my age.<br /><br /><strong>33. What kept you sane?</strong><br />Friends.<br /><br /><strong>34. What celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?</strong><br />Dude who plays Duke of Suffolk on The Tudors...Henry Cavill.<br /><br /><strong>35. What political issue stirred you the most?</strong><br />Our recent constitutional crisis? The coming of the 2010 Olympics, which is a nightmare in the making?<br /><br /><strong>36. Who did you miss?</strong><br />My dance community in Home City and elsewhere.<br /><br /><strong>37. Who was the best new person you met?</strong><br />New friend La. Was a grad student taking a course with me in the fall, so happy she's not anymore, because we have become fast friends, and I want to be able to fully drop the student-teacher pretenses.<br /><br /><strong>38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.</strong><br />Deep, decade-long connections won't get you everywhere.<br /><br /><strong>39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.</strong><br /><br />You know what I wish<br />It was just you and me<br />Sitting in this corner bar<br />You could tell me how you are<br />But I'm not gonna lie or anything<br />You don't even have to speak<br />If you keep looking at me.<br />...<br />And I'm not gonna lie<br />I'm not looking for love<br />I won't let you in my heart<br />But you are always my mind<br /><br />- Kathleen Edwards, Goodnight CaliforniaHilairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09033740943173352249noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28553339.post-60350685170082117032008-12-28T15:33:00.003-08:002008-12-28T15:56:13.861-08:00Here I amYeah, so I don't know what's going on with me and the blogging of late...I just don't seem to have much to say. There's plenty of drama, but I seem to have made a move away from using this as a tell-all space...My feelings of self-consciousness have finally won out.<br /><br />So I've been in Home Region. I've been Here, I've been There, I've been in three different cities in the last week-and-a-half. Stayed in five different places. Gotten to know my new piece of luggage really, really well.<br /><br />Christmas cheer? I have none. (And I don't say this in an embittered kind of way...I just don't feel it...I'm okay...) Though Christmas Day at my mother's was surprisingly nice. A fun Christmas dinner.<br /><br />Now I've spent the weekend at R's, taking care of the cat. She's away. On Tuesday, my birthday, I move over to A's for the last four days of my time out here.<br /><br />I've been doing a bit of work. Some of it involved grading for the PhD student described <a href="http://clashinghats.blogspot.com/2008/10/im-pretty-much-disappearing-from-here.html">here</a>. Hir final paper. Oy. A disaster. A disaster, I tell you. Over the course of this Directed Studies with hir, I have become more and more appalled by the level of the work. This is someone who needs some undergraduate-level training, I kid you not. And now this paper. It angers me, actually. I don't understand why this person was admitted to this program. And I feel as though hir work and potential were misrepresented to me - someone heavily edited hir proposal, that much is clear. It had a level of sophistication that hir work doesn't have, not at all.<br /><br />In reading all of this person's work, and now the paper, I've been fighting a certain level of...revulsion. For this person makes some egregiously essentializing moves in hir writing...really egregious. In fact, hir project seems to be based on this. The fact that zie doesn't know better, after the Directed Studies, than to continue to peddle these assumptions, this worldview, is very upsetting to me. I feel as if I may as well have not conducted the course, since clearly zie got nothing from it. What good was the feedback I gave hir? What good was a whol ehost of readings that problematized these assumptions (along with some that reinforced them)? And it's that old thing...fine, you and I can disagree on this issue, as long as you back up your position with thoughtful marshaling of evidence from the literature in the field. But no. Noooooo. This person has naturalized this position so deeply that it wouldn't even occur to hir to treat it as anything other than a given. This does not an intellectual make.<br /><br />And so I become extremely emotional. Enraged. And this is not good. I haven't let my emotion dictate hir grade on the paper or anything. The paper was terrible enough, aside from the awful essentializing, that I didn't bring it down on that count alone. But it makes me wonder about being on this person's committee. I need to get off. I feel that the work is so profoundly flawed that I don't want to have anything to do with it. This worldview, and the uncritical way it is being espoused - reproduced over and over and over again as if it is 'fact' - is too disturbing to me. I find it problematic that anyone would support this work, actually. But that's not my problem. My problem is that <em>I</em> need to get off, lest I fly into a murderous rage every time I read even a sentence of hirs. I can't be a suitably objective judge of the work. This is an intellectual issue - sure it is, because zie is not providing sufficient (or any) justification for this position. But it's also an emotional issue for me, as I am implicated in what zie is writing about. In fact, I implicitly become a "bad person" because of where my life fits vis-a-vis what zie is working on. Shudder.Hilairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09033740943173352249noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28553339.post-34775804709064941012008-12-15T16:32:00.005-08:002008-12-15T18:55:35.803-08:00Ready to head out- I'm getting ready to go back to Home City, tomorrow. For 2 1/2 weeks.<br />- This is stressing me out because all it will be is lurching around from one place to the next, for a few days at a time. No down time at all. I was making up a list of phone numbers for the cat sitter today, and I am going to be in at least 6 different homes (and three different cities) in my 2 1/2 weeks. It is not the recipe for a relaxing holiday.<br />- This is making me rethink the way I am always turned to face Home City/Region. It gets so tiring. Perhaps I need to spend less time there. I'm torn about this...this is where the closest people in my life are.<br />- But it's too exhausting...and it takes away from my other vacation time. This becomes how I spend all of my vacations. As a consequence, I feel out of touch, for one thing, with other ways of spending vacation time...I was just thinking last week about how incredibly much I miss camping and canoe trips, for instance.<br />- For these reasons, it actually makes me quite happy to be planning to stay in Scary City for most of the summer. So that I can go on those camping and canoe trips, and get to really know and feel this region I'm living in.<br /><br />- Today, though, today. Lots planned for today, in terms of getting ready to go. This morning I started my laundry, and the washer broke - full-on broke - partway through. It didn't drain, and will not. So I was left with a washing machine full of water and clothes. I frantically called my friend L, who I was planning to see later on, to drop Diamond off at her place. She said not to fret, but to bring my loads of laundry over to her place. Thank goodness I happened to have a rental car for the weekend - as a carless person, I don't know what I would have done without one. I brought my loads over to her place, only for us to discover that her power was out. I went back about three hours later, and it was still out. Poor L was sitting there freezing under a blanket in front of the gas fireplace, not knowing what would happen. My laundry was undone. So I had to frantically call a second friend and take my laundry over there. In the meantime I had to take the car back to the rental place, and so friend 2 has to drive my laundry over here when it's finished. Ridiculous!!! What a gong show.<br />- I had to take Diamond over to L's today. I miss her desperately. I'm become so damn attached to that little one. Damn. I feel all quivery-lipped, thinking about her little face, and not seeing her for almost three weeks. :( Another reason not to go away for so long in future.<br /><br />- But there are fun things to look forward to in my trip to Home Region. A couple of days with M in Fun City. A blogger meetup over food! Fun New Year's plans. A friend's 50th birthday dance party. These will sustain me.Hilairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09033740943173352249noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28553339.post-3302890477031986582008-12-14T18:00:00.004-08:002008-12-14T18:21:51.877-08:00Ah, the edited volume...I knew, going in, that co-editing an anthology was a thankless task. Oh, I knew. William Germano had certainly <a href="http://www.press.uchicago.edu/presssite/metadata.epl?mode=synopsis&bookkey=320651">told</a> me in no uncertain terms, and I'd heard intimations of what I consider to be anthology horror stories. I knew, too, that the level of recognition it generates from the institutional machine, vis-a-vis things like merit and tenure, is far outstripped by the work one puts in. But, I said, sign me up!! (Not without some angst, to be sure...) I really wanted to work on this particular project - really was quite excited about it - and loved the idea of meaningful collaboration.<br /><br />My co-editor and I - come together, basically, for this - get on famously. The collaborative aspect is extremely rewarding. We seem to have a very similar take on most of the issues that come up - and on the work that we're reading for the volume. And I really value hir extraordinary ability to be both blunt and diplomatic. Also, I'm in awe of hir intellect, and hir nuanced and extraordinarily learned readings.<br /><br />But, do I ever wonder, sometimes, what we've gotten ourselves into. The majority of the essays we've read have been mediocre. Some quite astonishingly poor: so senseless that I am shocked they would be sent to us as finished drafts. Some we will have to reject altogether. It is clear, too, that the process will drag on far longer than we imagined it would...<br /><br />I am afraid that I have come to see the wisdom of forgoing the anthology. At least until tenure, when presumably one will have more of a chance to futz around with poor work for draft after draft. Not that I'd want to stop this project at this point - there remains a lot to be gained from it, and from our collaboration. But I might rethink the decision to embark on such a project to begin with. The end result, I feel certain, will be fabulous, but the going is proving to be tough.Hilairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09033740943173352249noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28553339.post-46904821374147067492008-12-09T11:11:00.005-08:002008-12-09T11:22:01.138-08:00Overdue reflectionsI spent a couple of days - Thursday-Saturday - in Nearest Metropolis with my friend S. In my mind, this was supposed to be a bit of a (much-needed) blowout - ye know, doing Metropolitan things, which tend sometimes to be a little costly. I got thing off on the wrong foot when I forgot my wallet at home. S had to pay for me the whole weekend. It skewed the plans a little, unsurprisingly. Though I did come away with the most beautiful (and costly) top I've ever bought.<br /><br />The holidays are shaping up to be a bit - well, a lot - wonky. I had all these plans, and now they're falling apart. I feel as if this is a sign that I need to start thinking of Scary City as my home. I can't pin hopes on Home Region. This is depressing.<br /><br />Part of this is that R and I are having a falling-out. We've continued to act as if we are together as a couple, in many ways. We talk all the time. I've known it's problematic, but it's been very, very comforting. But now that is definitely over. It feels like a mini-breakup all over again. It shifts my relationship to Home City. To everything. Ugh. All of a sudden I feel profoundly unmoored. There were a few tiny certainties about the holidays, and now that they've come undone, I feel quite without an identity, frankly. It is not a nice feeling.<br /><br />Hell, I wish I could have some sort of extended bloggy holiday party with all of you pals...it would be a lot better than what the actual holidays are shaping up to look like.<br /><br />However. Today I will be able to finish my grading and submit my grades, and I shall be done with teaching until September. I am amazed and happy about that.Hilairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09033740943173352249noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28553339.post-88527658812803229392008-12-01T12:59:00.006-08:002008-12-01T14:35:38.400-08:00Monday notes- Have a surgery date; January 8.<br />- Will not be teaching next term! With at minimum 4 weeks off in a 12-week term, seems the powers that be have decided it's too much to try to work around. Wow. I guess this is the benefit of an institution that takes care of you, really takes care...(Lil'rumpus and others...I don't know why 4-6 weeks, but the doctor is really insistent on that - though probably 4 for me due to youth, strength, vigor or whatever. It's a full (not mini) laparotomy, not laparoscopic. I suppose the other thing is that in case there were dire findings once opened up, I'd need to have other procedures afterward and convalescence would be extended.)<br />- This means that lots of writing must get done in the new year so I'm not wracked by guilt. I shall be very productive! Oh my goodness.<br />- What else can I volunteer to do so that people at work don't perceive me as a slacker?<br />- Will proceed to book Paris research trip for late April/May (4 weeks) without worries about insurance. (Thank you for the tip, though, JoVE, about provincial insurance. I'm not in the province you were mentioning, but imagine it's the same where I am - good to know for future.)<br />- Oh my god, I have nine months off of teaching???!<br />- Diamond is newly in love with me, it seems. Like, full-on love.<br />- She's also in love with her new gopher, in an <em>I-shall-maul-you</em> kind of way.<br />- I have new friends - and they live right across the street. And are a couple with whom it feels just fine to hang out as a single - doesn't feel like being a third wheel. Last night, spent eight hours chatting. Very stimulating. They're a change from most of my friends here, who are overwhelmingly not up for doing much, so beaten down are they by their jobs. I always feel like a freak for being up for doing things...so nice to find others who share in my desire to lift the head from the work.<br />- Am going for a mini-break in Nearest Metropolis later this week. With my friend S. We are opting for the long bus ride instead of short flight because it will give us an opportunity to get some of the mounds of grading done - and then we can fully relax and enjoy the Metropolitan time. We are going to use the certificate for a deluxe hotel room that I was given when I had this <a href="http://clashinghats.blogspot.com/2008/04/bed-bugs-in-my-hair.html">awful hotel experience </a>in NM back in the spring. But I am also considering this a little vacation, and am going to treat myself to non-frugal experiences.<br />- Am writing - trying to turn latest conference paper into article. I feel an intuitive sense that this is going to work out nicely.<br />- Am not, though, looking forward to grading 115 take-home exams beginning tomorrow. (I have let my TA off the hook for these, as she is writing three graduate seminar papers right now, and is the mother of a one-year old.)<br />- But, strangely (though I'm unhappy about the thought of having my abdomen cut open), I'm happy to have the surgery lined up...Hilairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09033740943173352249noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28553339.post-36100691840024490992008-11-26T12:19:00.003-08:002008-11-26T12:24:59.568-08:00Plagiarism and grantsThe number of hours I am spending catching plagiarism is bringing me down so, so much. It is happening sooooo often. Even on assignments that are supposed to be relatively plagiarism-proof. They're spending so much freaking time plagiarizing creatively that they might as well write the damned thing. Really, it's unimaginable how much of this I'm finding...I have a growing pile of photocopies of plagiarized documents - starting with this <a href="http://clashinghats.blogspot.com/2008/10/you-know-what-ma-student-whose-thesis-i.html">infamous one</a>, of course - on my desk. The size of the pile - and the number of hours I spend on this - is really too, too dispiriting.<br /><br />*<br /><br />In other news, though, I've been awarded an internal grant that will fund a month in Paris in the spring/summer, even if I don't get my SSHRC. Hooray!Hilairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09033740943173352249noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28553339.post-90381370695141325932008-11-25T09:57:00.002-08:002008-11-25T10:12:16.812-08:00Continued dramaI haven't known what to blog about. There is so much f'ing drama. On two fronts: medical and emotional. I am now having pain "in my ovary" or whatever - of the kind that took me to the doctor in the first place, leading to the diagnosis. It's been over 24 hours of constant discomfort now. I haven't had this since that first time. It makes me feel nervous and worried.<br /><br />I am seeing my specialist again next Monday so that I can tell him about this, and tell him that I want the surgery in January instead of waiting until April. My Chair is being amazing. He has consulted with the Dean, and they will find someone to replace me in one course, and they feel fine with cancelling the other - it has low enrolment, anyway. It's funny how over-responsible I feel for everything. Well, not funny, but problematic. It was feeling indebted and responsible that led to my saying I'd wait until April to have the surgery in the first place. And yesterday, when Chair told me he was fine with cancelling the second course, a wave of guilt washed over me and I offered to "make podcasts" of my lectures for that course, for the 4-6 weeks I'm off. (I'm going to plead temporary insanity on that front...I won't have time to make 15+ hours of podcasts in December!!) My reaction to being "let off the hook" like this was to feel bad and as if I owe someone something. Thankfully, Chair seems to genuinely think that's ridiculous. I seem to have to keep telling myself to get a grip, that this is the benefit of having a full-time, permanent job...that the employer will take care of me to some extent. I need to let that happen.<br /><br />And last night there was continued drama in <a href="http://clashinghats.blogspot.com/2008/11/there-was-some-hope-in-my-life-for.html">this other area</a>. I really am so tired of things going wrong that I just feel like one big mass of scar tissue...I really don't feel much anymore. So I took in upsetting news with much less conscious upset than the last time. Instead I just somatized it all, and immediately developed a headache and had to sit in a darkened room for the evening.<br /><br />And now I can't work. Tomorrow is the last day of classes, I have lectures to prepare, and most importantly I have a pile of grading to do. And I can't bring myself to do any of it. I'm nervous and jumpy and distracted.Hilairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09033740943173352249noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28553339.post-90277431577347855322008-11-20T21:38:00.005-08:002008-11-20T21:58:09.184-08:00Damn my healthMy dear friend, M, likes to point out when he or I "somatize" our emotional lives. I thought of him today as I walked the 25 minutes home from my gynecologist's office and felt completely dizzy...like, falling-down dizzy...the whole way.<br /><br />I have been monitoring the growth on my ovary since last March's <a href="http://clashinghats.blogspot.com/2008/03/well-r-has-left-though-she-offered-to.html">unpleasant scare</a>. (Well, "I" haven't been monitoring...doctors have.) Every two months, I go for an ultrasound and then a follow-up appointment with the specialist. It's mostly all stayed the same...same size, etc...and we were vaguely discussing the eventual need for surgery, but it all seemed far away. There was never any real urgency after the initial scare. But today, I learned, it's growing again. And he's clasifying it as a tumour, not a "complex cyst." So we are looking at surgery. I told him I wanted to do it in April, after classes are over. He hemmed and hawed about whether it would be okay to wait that long, and decided that it would. BUT he wanted me to have another ultrasound in a month or so, and a certain blood test, and if either of those indicates further rapid growth, then he'll want to do surgery immediately. I.e. in the middle of the teaching term, I'd have to be off for at least four weeks. Ugh.<br /><br />And he also told me that my research plans (3-4 weeks of research in Paris, in late May/June) will perhaps be messed up by travel insurance, which will not pay if I have a pre-existing condition. So that leaving the country just, say, 6 weeks after this surgery, is very risky. Damn. Damn damn damn.<br /><br />So I walked home and felt very, very dizzy and just tired of all this. Just kind of small and unexpectedly a little scared.<br /><br />Also tired because this morning I went to another specialist - a neurologist - about the insane headaches and strange facial and aural things I've been having. (He thinks it's nothing, really.) And two weeks ago, went to the orthopaedic surgeon after I came home from that dance weekend and basically my knee was completely fucked. I've been doing physiotherapy for over two months now, and it's becoming more and more clear that my knee is just not ever going to be the same. the initial goal of physio was to strengthen so I'd be able to run again. But I am seriously doubting that I'll be able to run again, given the way my knee is - even in the face of my diligent and zealous commitment to my intense exercise regime. The physiotherapist - I adore him - has gone from extreme positivity to a much more tempered and sober outlook.<br /><br />The surgeon was a dismissive ass and now I'm on an eight-month waiting list for an MRI. (That's right, Michael Moore, the free healthcare system you laud is BROKEN.)<br /><br />I think I'm dizzy because I'm overwhelmed by having gone from the picture of health, one year ago, to this...where I have four health-related appointments this week alone. I'm only turning 34 next month, for chrissake. What the hell is going on. I feel old and tired.Hilairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09033740943173352249noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28553339.post-19026502927374541772008-11-18T19:11:00.002-08:002008-11-18T19:32:31.454-08:00I am back after my conference and my forced detainment in an airport hotel.<br /><br />Reflecting upon my conference, I think: I am not thrilled about the facet of the profession that is all about who you know, and what they are planning, and whether you'll be in on it, and so on. I mean, I was in some senses inducted into some sort of in-crowd, given a dinner that my co-editor and I had with some folks. But I note so much anxiety in myself about that, and about whether I'll be left behind in certain plans, yada yada. I don't want to care. But I must care. I must cultivate the relationships.<br /><br />It was lovely to spend a good chunk of time with my co-editor, with whom I get on famously. She was great to have in the background of our hotel room, to chat idly with as I drank minibar vodka in some kind of celebration about our panel/wake about the <a href="http://clashinghats.blogspot.com/2008/11/there-was-some-hope-in-my-life-for.html">news</a> that had come as I traveled to the conference.<br /><br />That news has stayed with me, weighing heavily. Making me dream strange dreams, and experience odd, feverish hallucinations. It has affected me more than I imagined such news could. Though the heaviness was mitigated in some small part over the weekend, with some more correspondence with the person from whom the sadness and drama have sprung. So now, rather than being in the kind of dreadful, shocked, publicly weeping state that I was in, I am in a blunt, cynical, and inert state that doesn't feel much better. I see that my heart is sewn up so tight after this latest blow, I don't know if it will ever open again.<br /><br />But I have come back with some ideas for writing - expanding my conference paper, which was really quite flawed, into something less flawed and more interesting, and hopefully publishable. I want to try to do this by early January, and feel some excitement about it. Excitement in which I can subsume my heavy, sad self.Hilairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09033740943173352249noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28553339.post-30338542203500731322008-11-16T13:17:00.003-08:002008-11-16T15:56:57.299-08:00God, Air Canada sucks.My everyday hate for Air Canada - which I share with most Canadians, it seems - has today reached murderous new depths.<br /><br />I sit here writing this in a cheap Best Western airport hotel, where I have been forced to stay for the night (on a travel voucher) because of Air Canada's spectacular incompetence. I had three flights booked home from Conference City to Scary City - an epic day. I won't get into the boring details, but I was bumped off the second leg of my trip, and can't now get home until <em>tomorrow</em>. This makes me miss both of my classes tomorrow, at a crucial time in the term, with work coming in from them. It means Diamond is without me for another night, and the cat sitter isn't coming in. I don't have any clean socks or underwear left, nor any comfortable clothes. I don't even have any toothpaste left.<br /><br />The rage I feel is pretty strong. Not least because the people around me were given flight vouchers, and I wasn't. The customer service agent just shook his head sorrowfully at me until I wanted to strangle him. Due to some arbitrary technicality, they are calling mine a "missed connection," when it wasn't. I was there, at the gate, while they were boarding the flight, but they wouldn't let me board. Everything that happened is their fault, and others got compensation, but this bullshit means I didn't. God, I'm angry. This is simply too much.Hilairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09033740943173352249noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28553339.post-34606650604168854112008-11-15T05:44:00.005-08:002008-11-15T08:50:17.964-08:00I am still conferencing. In the end, thank goodness for distractions and the friend/collaborator I'm sharing a room with, with whom I can talk about trivial things when I don't have panels to distract me. I can go for a couple of hours without thinking of the thing below. Then, of course, I remember, and I am gripped - absolutely, physically gripped - by panicky sorrow. I think I panic because this felt like a chance at happiness, and it's been wrenched away, and - because happiness has been far away for a long time - I feel deeply somewhere that I have lost my only chance. I know that is illogical, not true, but certainly it's how this feels. It feels like a tragedy. I have never had a story like this.<br /><br />But I can report that I tried to do some positive visualization before my panel - imagining myself calm, etc. - and it worked! The extreme presentation nerves that have been sabotaging my conference participation for a long time - and which have somehow gotten worse in the last year or so - seemed to be mostly banished, and I got through my presentation more smoothly than any I've ever given. I even remained calm in the face of an interesting, fairly strongly worded challenge from an audience member - and had a good talk with him afterward. And I even remained calm in the face of the recognition that my paper was deeply flawed, especially at its repetitive end. I'm happy about that. Happy to have successfully repressed something. If only I could visualize away the panic and sadness now.Hilairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09033740943173352249noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28553339.post-25491483097518376872008-11-13T08:45:00.002-08:002008-11-13T08:46:04.151-08:00There was some hope in my life for a while there. I was being awakened. It just got shut down. So that I spent the evening crying in an airport last night – on my way to this fucking conference. Now I’m sitting in a Starbucks warehouse, having been in the same clothes for 29 hours, slept for a fitful two hours or so on one flight, and am not able to get into my hotel room – it’s too early - to have the good fucking bawling cry I need – and a shower, and a lie-down in clean sheets and maybe a preciously hoarded Ativan, which I take only on the most dire of occasions. Instead, I’ve been weeping in public all too many times. Just last night, on the first leg of my journey here, I was reading something for teaching that was speaking to the hope and awakening I was feeling. Which was attached to someone, but also - more - was about finding myself again. Rescuing me from wherever I’ve been these last couple of years. Reading this, I felt excited, as if there were possibility. An hour later, an email told me everything was a grand, cosmic joke. I’m devastated. And I’m here in this place, with nobody around to vent and weep to, and I am just sick to death.Hilairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09033740943173352249noreply@blogger.com16tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28553339.post-62427821748076093262008-11-09T11:24:00.002-08:002008-11-09T11:36:51.522-08:00Sigh.I have just essentially finished a draft of a conference paper for later this week. As always, I write in a kind of fog, finding my meaning as I go. The result is more severely damaged than usual this time, and I have basically ended the paper on a completely different note than I started on. After having installed about five different things as the major theme along the way. So the process of writing went like this, essentially, and this is reflected in the complete draft I have now:<br /><br />"This paper identifies foxes as the operative concept. But in fact, the great significance of this is that is about marigolds. Actually, the over-arching point of all this is humidifiers. One sees, thus, that this is most usefully read as a comment on whaling. Finally, the belatedness of the birthday emerges as the dominant concept."<br /><br />Augh!!!! I have finally arrived at something I like ('the belatedness of the birthday') but the thought of revisiting and substantially revising the rest of this terrifically difficult paper to support that theme makes me want to tear my hair out.<br /><br />So. I hate writing conference papers. There. I've said it. Something happens in the process that is different from when I just write, say, for publication. I wonder if this insane directionlessness that is much more characteristic of conference-paper-writing, for me, is the result of imagining my audience in a different way from the way I do when I write something that will not be presented aloud. I remain a very nervous presenter - that does not seem to be diminishing at all, unfortunately. And so I am wondering if those nerves play themselves out in an excessively jittery, unfocused approach to writing the actual papers for presentation.Hilairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09033740943173352249noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28553339.post-78028076943852286842008-11-05T12:54:00.003-08:002008-11-05T13:05:38.931-08:00Wow, and whoaCongrats and a major hug and smile for all my US friends who helped to elect Barack Obama last night. I'm so thrilled for you all.<br /><br />*<br /><br />Someone I know has just emailed me to strongly encourage me to apply for a seriously Fancy-Pants position. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What?! I'd seen the ad for this job, at an institution I'd die to work at - in the city where my best friend lives, as well as a past and current object of romantic interest - and written it off because they seemed to be looking for a much more senior scholar than I. I hoped that - as I'd heard - they might post a more appropriate position in my area <em>next</em> year, and that I'd have a shot at it.<br /><br />But then today this email from a senior insider there, saying I'd be a super candidate. Encouraging me to call hir to talk about the position. I'm pretty stunned. Knowing a bit about the politics there, I'm just hoping that zie doesn't want to suggest me because I'd be a good puppet for hir. I'll try to suss that out when we talk.<br /><br />But for now, !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Hilairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09033740943173352249noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28553339.post-23090506491441342008-11-03T16:58:00.003-08:002008-11-03T17:35:17.963-08:00Random bullets of "christ, what a day"- I have been led to believe that the <a href="http://clashinghats.blogspot.com/2008/10/you-know-what-ma-student-whose-thesis-i.html">plagiarism </a>of the MA thesis may be met with a warning letter, and that is all??? I weep, I tell you. And gnash my teeth. I want <em>out</em>. Everything to do with graduate studies at this institution makes my eyes bug out of my head with frustration and anger.<br /><br />- Today after my 100-person lecture, a student came to talk to me. Zie is one who is very vocal in lectures and yet usually just. not. getting. it. - so much so that you can hear the other students buzzing with frustration and amusement when zie speaks up. So zie came up to me to take me to task for representing [topic I was lecturing about, and about which they had a reading] in what zie took to be politically neutral terms. Since this is a topic that zie is impassioned by, zie thought this was inappropriate. Thing is, zie didn't have a clue what I'd been saying. The reading was an indictment of [phenomenon], and offered a framework for understanding it. My lecture and this reading - which zie admitted to not having read - were littered with signals that problematized the phenomenon I was talking about, including words like "racism." The way I was framing it theoretically was as intensely, well, evil. This was the whole <em>point</em> of the discussion! Other students were on the same page, I could tell from their responses to my questions. Therefore I don't think I was being unclear; I was calling a spade a spade about [phenomenon.] So this one comes up to me and starts to lecture me about this thing!!! Give me a break!! I had to say, over and over, "We're on the same page. I <em>agree</em> with you. That's exactly the point I was making." I don't know why I found this so irritating. But good lord, to be called to task for saying the opposite of what you're <em>actually</em> saying is really freaking irksome. Go away!!<br /><br />- While all the rest of you do InNaNo-whatever-it's called, I have my own writing goals. I mean, I have some professional writing I need to do - I'm halfway through a conference paper for next week - and I have some editing of contributions to our edited volume. But I don't need any more scholarly pressure or I will implode, quite frankly. So for me this November, the goal is to begin writing in my journal several times a week. I need to do <em>life </em>writing more than anything right now. This represents a big shift for me. In 2001 my now-ex, JZ, read my journal and I had hell to pay. Though I'd been journalling for over a decade by then, that violation shut me down completely. I basically haven't touched it since. But I bought a new one this weekend. I'm so, so in need of unstructured writing that will allow me to work some things out, I tell you. I am in some serious need of real rumination on a number of issues. And since I think through writing, then personal writing it will be.<br /><br />- My life is a bit sordid right now. My best friend M and I were talking yesterday about how sordid both of our lives are. I thought it would make a good, depressing film, featuring exhausted, bored-but-overworked, emotionally aimless junior professors in their thirties doing stupid things for the hell of it. I know you can picture it - though you probably wouldn't go see it.Hilairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09033740943173352249noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28553339.post-31339966554692685832008-10-31T18:17:00.001-07:002008-10-31T18:19:41.974-07:00Muse of the moment<p>As seen at <a href="http://scatteredandrandom.blogspot.com/">Belle's</a>. This makes some sense right now. Though I don't know if I "understand life to its fullest extent." I wish.</p><p><em>Your result for The A-Muse-ing Test...</em></p><h4>Your muse is Melpomene!</h4><p>50% Melpomene, 10% Calliope, 10% Thalia, 0% Urania, 10% Clio, 10% Erato, 0% Euterpe, 0% Polyhymnia and 10% Terpsichore!</p><p style="TEXT-ALIGN: center"><img height="400" src="http://cdn.okcimg.com/php/load_okc_image.php/images/0x0/0x0/0/327322927872376254.jpeg" width="230" /></p><br /><p><strong>Melpomene is the muse of tragedy. She is also known for her singing and as the "chanting one." She is a guide for the lost or those seeking a way to something, but they just can't quite figure out what or where. She can beautifully wear a tear or a smile, for she understands life to its fullest extent.</strong></p><br /><p>Call upon Melpomene when you are searching and need to heal yourself.</p><br /><p>Sit somewhere quiet where you can be alone with your thoughts. Light a candle and gather some paper or your journal. Sit comfortably and allow yourself to fully feel the pain you have inside and ask Melpomene to help you bravely face it with honesty. Write what you are feeling and what you have experienced. Express your loss in yoru own way, with your own words. Now determine to be creative and use that energy in a new way. You are ready to create something beautiful out of your sadness and loss. Paint, sculpt, write, sing, or just explore a new place. Artistic creation will help you refind joy and reexperience life in a new way.</p><br /><p><a href="http://www.helloquizzy.com/tests/the-amuseing-test">Take The A-Muse-ing Test</a> at <a href="http://www.helloquizzy.com/"><b style="color:#131313;"><span style="color:#ac000c;">H</span>ello<span style="color:#ac000c;">Q</span>uizzy</b></a></p>Hilairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09033740943173352249noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28553339.post-52330091456223809752008-10-30T14:34:00.002-07:002008-10-30T14:44:46.261-07:00You know what, student whose <em>MA thesis</em> I am currently reading? If you are going to plagiarize gigantic swathes of your <em>MA thesis</em>, choosing something other than Sparknotes' fully googlable online guide to the novel might be a good idea.<br /><br />I am so done.Hilairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09033740943173352249noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28553339.post-60055601583145839222008-10-29T16:16:00.004-07:002008-10-29T22:05:00.461-07:00Something just humanized my 100 first-year students so much for me...<br /><br />I was grading a test I had given them the other day. The test was quite quick to write, and so many of them sat there for a good ten minutes or more waiting for everyone else to finish.<br /><br />I needed to turn over their tests to write something on the back, and I saw the sweetest traces of them there on the back page, where obviously they'd killed some time doodling while they waited for everyone else to finish. There were lots of instances of writing their own names with hearts, of course - but I even found that sweet - and there were many melancholy song lyrics, a fragment of an Edgar Allen Poe poem, pictures of flowers with the word "<em>fleur</em>" next to them in graceful cursive. An "I heart Sharon."<br /><br />For some reason, this just warmed my heart. And that's hard to do these days.Hilairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09033740943173352249noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28553339.post-21756460401693915722008-10-26T09:54:00.009-07:002008-10-26T21:58:49.988-07:00I've had a close friend from Home City visiting since Wednesday. She just left. It was grand fun, but it's incredible how behind her visit has put me, in terms of work. I'm feeling slightly panicky. (And so, I shall fritter away my time blogging.)<br /><br />This was a funny visit. My friend S is the person I've always said is closest to a sibling for me, an only child. I've known her since I was fifteen. She and I did the Activity together, and still do things like go to dance camps and weekends together. I love her to death. But she is intensely negative about everything from job to love to hobbies to life - always has been. (I know, I am too on this blog - but I don't exude negativity in my everyday life.) She is always this way, but she seems particularly unhappy with her life right now - relatively newly single at 35, she is full of rage and disappointment about the possibility of finding a man to settle down with. She's lonely for friends, too, she says.<br /><br />I was talking at one point over the weekend about a decade-long mutual infatuation I've had with someone S and I both know, a really quite extraordinary and somehow intimate relation (which has been sexual on a few precious occasions, when he and I have both been single). Out of what I could tell was jealousy and loneliness, S asked me quite aggressively how I "always make all these deep connections with people..." I don't know what to say to that. It feels odd to be attacked for it. As if I'm doing something wrong. And I don't know how to tell her that what comes across as negativity is probably part of the problem she experiences in making connections with people. This was an odd theme that seemed to add a tiny bit of tension to our visit.<br /><br />Anyway. We had fun. It's lovely to have someone I'm so close to visit me here. It helps me feel better in this place, for some reason. Even if S did observe, a number of times, that "it is <em>really</em> weird that you live here."<br /><br />But oh my goodness, the work (and life-work) that awaits me. I am going to be paying for this visit for a couple of weeks. This is so much the case that I need to make, for the first time ever, a boring blog to-do list for today, in the interest of keeping myself accountable (and even though I don't know how to do a strikethrough):<br /><br />- DONE: Call C in Berlin<br />- DONE: Reading and prep for first-year class<br />- DONE: Reading and prep for upper-year class<br />- GOT 8 DONE: Grade 15 of ~40 first-year assignments<br />- NOPE: Grade the set of critical questions for the upper-year class<br />- NOPE: Email K<br />- NOPE: Email Su.<br />- REFIGURED: Email St.<br />- DONE: Return video<br />- DONE: Do the many dishes<br />- DONE: Go to gym for some of physiotherapy regime<br />- DONE: Finish physio regime at home<br />- DONE: Meet my friend D to strategize my nomination of him for an award<br />- NOPE: Outline my nomination letter for D<br />- DONE: Shitloads of laundry - probably 5 loads<br /><br />What's freaking me out is that I have a scary conference paper to write, and I just haven't had time to get there. I have only a couple of weeks left, and I'm worried. But oh well, this list is all I can contend with today.Hilairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09033740943173352249noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28553339.post-12036705186551564062008-10-23T09:24:00.004-07:002008-10-24T10:23:01.584-07:00<em><strong>JUST TO CLARIFY THE BELOW: In my second paragraph, I'm not saying that my 2-2 teaching load is too much to run the minor in terms of too much work for me; I'm not that much of a princess. What I mean is that I can't run the minor because if all I teach is 2-2, and two of those four courses are the companion Intro courses, we (I) can't deliver enough programming to make taking the minor possible. (And I'm not about to volunteer to teach more in an institution with very stringent standards for tenure; that would be suicide.)</strong></em> <strong><em>And yes, I should learn to be clearer in my writing and not deliver off-the-cuff rants.<br /></em></strong><br />I have learned that I won't get to make another hire in my program for next year. I once really thought there was a strong chance - there was <em>supposed</em> to be a strong chance that I would. And even though I knew the chance was getting slimmer with each passing day, I still held out some hope. But the faculty is getting exactly zero brand new positions. This isn't about my program, then - I do have some faith that if there were new positions, my Dean would have allocated one to my program. But it sure is demoralizing.<br /><br />The thing is, there is no POINT to me or my position. I can't effectively run even the existing minor, with my 2-2 teaching load. I am redundant, pointless. It's a really, really fucking bad feeling.Hilairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09033740943173352249noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28553339.post-85396959559149447442008-10-19T19:47:00.003-07:002008-10-19T19:54:10.194-07:00Even though I just got an email from an upper-year student asking what, exactly, a research paper <em>is</em>, I am trying desprately to screw my head back on. In a positive enough fashion to get me through the rest of the term.<br /><br />I'm sitting here contemplating this in Nearest Metropolis airport, waiting for a connecting flight home. I'm on my way from Second Nearest Metropolis, the American city where I spent the weekend. Dancing. Yes, i got to dance all weekend (well, actually, I took it easier than I usually do because my knee was a bit shocked by this activity).<br /><br />Yes, the dancing that I love. That I haven't been able to do since February since I missed dance camp in the summer. That I now have to travel to do, since I live in Scary City.<br /><br />So that infusion of joy - as well as a gorgeous weekend in a Metropolis, meeting new people who feel so much like the community I left behind - make me feel alive again. I need to bottle that feeling.<br /><br />Thankfully, I do have a good friend - also from my world o' dancing - coming to visit me from Home City this week.<br /><br />Even though it's late and I'm tired, I'm looking forward to bringing this energy home with me, to Scary City.Hilairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09033740943173352249noreply@blogger.com2